Mal Duane Coach

Archives for June 2014

Are you willing to love unconditionally?

 

Are you willing to love unconditionally?Have you ever said to someone, “I will love you if…” or better yet, “I will love myself if….”

Well that’s crap. That’s not love, it’s your burning desire to control.

Love does not entail setting conditions that must be met. It’s not predicated on a list of ‘ifs’. You either love fully or you don’t.

How many times have you done things because you wanted to be loved?  I am going to be completely open with you; my list is so long, it makes me gaga. There were so many times I didn’t honor me, my feelings or my values in order to please someone else for the sole purpose of acquiring their love. What do you think happened? Did I get the love I was so desperately seeking? No! I was used for whatever purpose and then painfully discarded.

In full disclosure, when I loved others based on the conditions I placed on them, the outcome was also extremely disappointing.

So why do we do it?

We all have a great inner need to feel loved, to feel valued. It’s part of our DNA to want to be accepted and appreciated. Most of us are raised surrounded by conditional love. We take these conditions on as part of who we think we should be. Like “little girls are ladies and not noisy.” There goes your will to speak up. Or “big boys don’t cry.” Grown men feel they can’t show emotion.

If you sit for fifteen minutes, I bet you can come up with a list of conditional zingers you heard as a child. Our parents didn’t mean any harm by them; they were just trying to get us to behave the way they wanted.

We grow up believing that certain things, that have nothing to do who we really are, make us more lovable or appreciated. So many of us think that, once we are in a relationship with someone, we will get them to change and become what we want them to be. My mom always said you can’t change the spots on a leopard; I really understand what she was saying now.

Look around you today – who could you love fully if you let go of the expectations or conditions you have put on them? Let’s go deeper with this. How could you love and appreciate yourself more if you released the meaningless conditions you have put on yourself? Love is about being happy, content and real. Maybe it’s time to wipe that list of conditions clean and see how love shows up today, in a new authentic and embracing way.

I would love to hear from you how you take that list of ‘ifs’ and turn it into ‘wows!’

Live Faithfully, Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal Duane is a Best Selling Author and Personal Life and Recovery Coach who has overcome life challenges using the steps in the Alpha Chick Process. Her personal mission is to help women excel in all areas of their lives from business to personal relationships. Mal has been featured with Fox 25 Boston Morning Show, CBS Radio, Aspire Magazine, Healthy Living and Metrowest Daily News. She has also been a featured guest on over one hundred Blogtalk Radio shows discussing recovery and personal transformation.

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

 

What’s your security blanket? Letting go of outdated beliefs

What is your security blanketWhen you were little did you walk around dragging a tattered, threadbare blankey with you everywhere you went? I know I did. My blankey was pink and white checks. It was lovingly worn – the satin trim was missing in places and there were patches where you could almost see through the blanket. If I could not wrap myself up in this shroud of moth holes and juice stains, I would slip into fits of complete hysteria. My blankey made me feel so secure.

We become so attached to what makes us feel secure, even if it’s old and worn. The labels we have inherited or give ourselves work much the same way.  So think for a minute and identify some of the old beliefs you hold that are no longer absolutely true. Stop identifying with the names and labels you called yourself in the past; they may not be applicable any more. Yet, you hold on to them because you are familiar with them as part of your story. Who would you be without them? This is the million dollar question. I have the answer for you:

You would be the magnificent soul you were born to be.

When you arrived on this earth you didn’t have all the labels you do today. So why continue carrying around and living life defined by names (stupid, bitch, skinny, fat, selfish, dumb, ugly, obese) that do not reflect who you truly are? Better yet, why not adopt some positive names to identify with instead? Loving and appreciating yourself is your responsibility and as this love and appreciation grow within it touches others in your life. The excuse that your parents, your mother or your siblings didn’t love you doesn’t cut it anymore. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t, or maybe they did the best they could. You can’t pin the tail on that donkey any longer because you are responsible for how you feel about you today.

By taking the time to differentiate between the thoughts about yourself that were given to you by someone else and what is really the truth about you, you will begin to develop a sense of your worth. When you develop a sense of your own worth, you will begin to weed out people and situations that do not reflect your own sense of self back to you. You will reclaim the right to your sanctity and dignity. If someone insults you or makes a passive aggressive “dig”, you’ll be able to process it, not react in the moment, and most likely decide that this person isn’t safe to open up to. You’ll be able to detach and move on, knowing that you deserve people that make you feel talented, supported and nurtured. In order to get to this place, you have to do the work. I promise, the results will bring you closer to peace and serenity.

Here are some action steps that you can take:

  1. Go to a quiet sacred space and write down ten sentences that best describe how you feel about yourself today.
  2. Reread the paragraph and underline any words that have a negative connotation.
  3. Replace each underlined word with the exact opposite in meaning. For example, if you write “I’m dumb,” change it to “I am a smart and capable woman.”
  4. Take your corrected sentences and make them your new personal affirmations. Read them daily so your subconscious starts to believe them.

This simple practice will help you create a new image and identity, replacing negative labels with loving and inspiring ones.

Please let me know how you do in the comments below ….I love hearing from you.

Live Faithfully, Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal Duane is a Best Selling Author and Personal Life and Recovery Coach who has overcome life challenges using the steps in the Alpha Chick Process. Her personal mission is to help women excel in all areas of their lives from business to personal relationships. Mal has been featured with Fox 25 Boston Morning Show, CBS Radio, Aspire Magazine, Healthy Living and Metrowest Daily News. She has also been a featured guest on over one hundred Blogtalk Radio shows discussing recovery and personal transformation.

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.