Mal Duane Coach

Archives for May 2019

3 Ways to Stop People Pleasing in Relationships

Are you guilty of being a people pleaser, stepping over your own values and accepting inappropriate behavior just to keep peace?

I know I have in the past. I was thinking this morning how women have been conditioned to put their needs aside and make other people’s desires more important than their own. I know it’s easy to think you’re being generous but it’s really about being a “GIVER”, one of the personalities I write about in Broken Open: Embracing heartache and Betrayal as Gateways to Unconditional Love. 

Givers are one of four different personalities with Love Stories that I discuss and one that I am personally familiar with. 

 Givers develop an understanding of how to get and give love when they’re small children learning from their parents and other adults around them. Very quickly they learn that love is conditional. If I do that, you will love me.

If I don’t do that, you will tell me I’m wrong, and you’ll withhold love.

So of course, you formulate early on it’s better to give, and give and give in order to get. Love is conditional. This become your love story and the lenses with which you see love.

You grow up and continue to use the same old lenses in your current relationships. It’s like using old data to evaluate a current situation. It’s not effective. 

I’ll cover the other personalities in another blog.

The Giver is the one that is most prevalent.

You always feel like you have to “earn” love and overcompensate to keep it.

Here are 3 ways to break this destructive pattern:

  1. Look at your relationships and see where you have sacrificed your own needs on the altar of love.
  2. Start to put attention on your needs and how you are able to fulfill them.
  3. Recognize when you are making a choice that goes against your values and stop and reassess.

Any old negative pattern can be changed once you aware that you are doing it. It’s like cleaning your house once you know where the dirt is. ?

You came to this planet, a clean slate untouched by human opinions and then you meet your parents!

I’m not saying they’re not good people, but they have their own opinions and perceptions on how things should be done that they got from their parents.

It’s time for you to create your story the way it feels right for you.

Do you identify as a GIVER?  Comment below and share your thoughts!

3 Ways to Cool It (When You Feel Like a Fire-Breathing Dragon)

    Are you a mother or a fur baby mommy? 

    Children and pets are so precious and wonderful additions to our lives.

    However, have you ever felt like some days you want to hide?

    It’s normal.

    Maternal responsibilities are huge and require discipline and patience. I know many women that can honestly admit they have days where they feel like they’re ready to jump off a cliff.

    My own precious little Hannah can have her moments, especially during thunderstorms where she is bouncing off the walls and barking non-stop. It is so upsetting for me to watch. But if I overreact and seem agitated, it only compounds the situation. I think kids respond the same way. 

    So, what can you do when your little dragon is breathing hot fire down your back?

    Step back and take a pause- a moment for you to breath, re-center and collect your thoughts.

    Here are 3 ways to cool it when you feel like a fire-breathing dragon:


  1. Physically step backwards a foot or two, you’re moving yourself out of heated energy
  2. Do some deep breathing, maybe for a minute or two. Just make sure the inbreath and outbreath are equal and slow.
  3. Think about desired optimal results before re-engaging the conversation. It re-centers you into a higher vibration, where you can be more effective.

    4.  

    It can be really easy to lose it and scream but we both know that doesn’t work well and makes you feel like shit.

How do YOU slow down when you feel like torching everyone in sight?
Comment below and share!