Kristine Carlson is a Mom and Nana to her grandsons. She is the New York Times bestselling author of five books including: “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women,”Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love” “An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love,” “Heartbroken Open” and “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Moms.” She has appeared on many leading National Radio and Television shows including: Oprah, The View and theTODAY show. She is inspirational speaker who speaks on all topics involving life and “Living the Big Stuff.” She is a blogger and contributor on several popular sites including Positively Positive. Learn more at //www.kristinecarlson.com, //www.dontsweatmoms.com or //wwwdontsweat.com.322

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

My life was humming along, as usual, one winter day when I received the phone call that shattered my heart. My best friend, husband and the love of my life for twenty-five years, had died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism while on a flight. It didn’t matter that he was the bestselling happiness guru of the era and author to the Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff book series; he died in mid-life and twenty-five years early. I hope this is the greatest challenge of my life. It definitely put everything he taught the world and my entire philosophy to the test. I wrote a book about my experience called “Heartbroken-open: a memoir through loss to self discovery.” As my ego shattered with my broken heart, my authenticity grew like a forest reseeds itself with fire.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake. 

I wasn’t living as awake before Richard’s death as I was after. His death rocked me to my core, often leaving me on my knees in complete surrender to grief. It was like a fully pressurized water hose hit me in the face and I knew I had been “Heartbroken-Open” to feeling my life at a deeper level. I now know that we had a sacred contract between us that said: You will grow richer in your soul for having suffered loss. It sucks to grow that way, but my soul is grateful. His death breathed new life into me. This is the gift every time we lose someone we love: To remember life is short and we must live every day as it can be our last. Time, is a most precious commodity.

 After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life?

 The steps I took in my healing and those that brought transformation were:
1. I found my COURAGE by embracing grief rather than resisting it. I made grief my friend.
2. I listened to my body. There is an innate healer inside us. I allowed my body to teach me how to grieve.
3. I chose to learn and grow amidst adversity seeing this loss as part of my life 101 soul work curriculum.
4. I gave myself permission to “Feel to Heal” allowing all my emotions to be in full expression.
5. I followed the S.T.A.R.R. mantra: Surrender, Trust, Accept, Release and Receive.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment. 

When I think of ‘mental shift’ I think of “Thought” and the role of your thinking in relation to your transformation. Understanding that your thoughts of fear are generally coming from your ego and will move you away from the authentic expression of your highest self is very helpful. Your feelings of fear are your best navigational tool. Move towards your emotional fear and move away from your ego and closer to your authenticity. Your greatest gifts are right behind your fears.

HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Katana Abbott is a Certified Financial Planner, author, speaker, radio show host and a Vision Coach.

Rising from a life of adversity, Katana took her life back with the burning desire to help other women make smart life and financial choices.

Financially independent after 20 years in the financial services industry, she sold her business at 48 to pursue her dream and created Smart Women’s Coaching®, where women can access live group coaching and online resources to grow wealth, fulfill their purpose and simply live a more joyful and abundant life doing what they love. Visit here website to pick up your free prosperity video and workbook.  Learn more at www.SmartWomensCoaching.com

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation?

Today I live a blessed life. I am married to the man of my dreams, I live in a beautiful home on the lake, have loving friends and family and the financial freedom to pursue my passions doing what I love in life. But it hasn’t always been this way.

I remember my mother telling me about the time when I was a little girl and when we didn’t have groceries or even milk. My grandmother would come over to make sure she had milk for me without telling my father because he was so proud. When we ate potatoes, we had to give the skins to our Labrador because we couldn’t afford dog food. My father was a roofer and many times he would not get paid. This was when he decided to join the Army.

In fact, when my father joined the army, we thought we were rich. The army gave us a beautiful apartment in Germany. I remember my mom saying how lucky we were because we could have a cleaning lady and our apartment really was beautiful. She loved living in Germany.

Then that dream ended when my father died. I was just six and my brothers were just four and two. My dad was a hunter and he had gone duck hunting to bring home Christmas dinner. He never returned – he drowned. It was December 19th, 1964 during Vietnam War.

My mother had to move back to Michigan to be near her family. She was able to pay cash for a small home with my father’s military life insurance. Between her widow’s benefits and driving the school bus she was able to take pretty good care of us. I still remember some really fun times back then even though we didn’t have much money.

But my mother wanted someone to take care of her. She was looking for her Prince Charming. What she ended up with was a monster — literally. I remember the night she introduced us to this man who she said would become our new father. I was terrified and cried myself to sleep that night.

Over the next nine years – our lives were a living hell and my brothers and I lived in constant fear and abuse. Although my mother did not protect us, I know today that she was doing the best she could. She was plagued by obsessive compulsive behavior – her way of numbing out – but this made her unavailable to us emotionally.

I grew up too fast and was given so much responsibly as a caregiver to my grandparents and my brothers at the same time. I also cooked, clean the house and was always out fundraising door to door helping raise money for the poor or to raise funds for our school. This was something I loved and was great at. It gave me confidence. I also learned that I loved helping others or leading a cause. I discovered this when I was just 12 years old.

Often when there is domestic violence, there is also financial abuse. When my mother finally divorced my step father, my youngest brother was in a foster home, she was homeless because my step-father had taken the equity from her home. She had lost all her government benefits, had no income and she had breast cancer.

By this time, I was on my own. Because I was technically a “war orphan”, I had free tuition to college and income from the government to help support me while I was in school.

But the Universe had another plan for me.

In my third year of college, I ended up marrying my own monster. He said loved me, but I knew in my heart that he was evil. He had been a professional student with three Master’s Degrees and needed to keep his green card. He had shown the signs, but because I wanted to be loved and taken care of, I thought I could change him and I married him anyway. I was just 19 and going back to the familiar.

Nine months later when I tried to leave the marriage he put me in the hospital. The detective was taking pictures of my broken and bruised face and asked me who would be picking me up. I had no one to call. I was all alone.

I was also all alone when I went to court for the criminal charges. Immigration had charges against him too and at the court house he was waiting for me. He jumped into my car and he threatened to track me down and kill me if I didn’t drop the charges against him. I believed him and dropped the charges.

Here I was. I had hit rock bottom. I was living in a subsidized town house with no income, no job, and a broken down car. Worst of all, I had lost my father’s legacy. The college education he had left me was gone and I really was all alone.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake.

So how did I get from where I was back then – to where I am today? In that moment in my life when I had hit rock bottom, a miracle happened. I picked up the book, Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill and it changed my life forever because I found my burning desire and it gave me hope, faith and I felt inspired. I learned about the Law of Attraction and how I could create any life I wanted if I just had a vision, did the work and never gave up.

Well that became the model for the rest of my life, because I am driven to succeed, a student of life, always learning and studying to improve and I never, ever give up when I have a dream.

My dream was to never be a victim again and to be financially independent. I was just 21. I found a job with tuition reimbursement, health insurance and a retirement plan as a clerk typist. Soon I realized that I was not only terrible at detail work, but it was sucking the life out of me and I had to do something else.

Because I still did not have a degree, I thought what else could I do? And then it hit me, I was great at sales. I had spent years going door to door raising money for the poor and the needy, I was always the top fundraiser at school when we had contests, and at 15, I had even worked making phone sales by calling from the phone book. I know it sounds terrible, but for me, it was fun.

I went to an employment agency and interviewed with two companies; a company that offered services where business owners trade services and a financial planning company called IDS. I took the job working with the business owners. I know today it was all part of a divine plan, because years later I would actually end up working for IDS and the contacts and experience that I gained in those early years would be the catalyst that lead me to becoming one of the top financial advisors in the country.

Although it may sound cliché, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. We each have chosen to come here with a divine purpose although we have no idea what it is. Our journey in life is to figure this out and it’s normally not easy.

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life?

At 25, I took a job selling Hondas and this was a major turning point in my life. Using my selling skills that I had acquired over the last 10 years, not only did I become one of the top earners in the company (earning six figures in today’s dollars), but I met my fabulous current husband who I’ve been married to now for almost 30 years. He came in to buy a car from me.

Over the next 20 years, I did do the work and I got smart about money, I became a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ helping hundreds of people achieve their financial goals. I was at the top of my game
And then something happened…I had this feeling there was something more to why I was here. A purpose I was not fulfilling in my soul.
I realized that while helping my clients achieve their financial goals I often found myself helping them find their souls purpose and follow their dreams.
But what was MY dream? Well the Universe has a funny way of helping us get what we truly want when we make a decision.
What I did next changed my life. I hired a coach who guided me spiritually and what I discovered was helping my clients find their soul’s purpose and follow their dreams was actually my soul’s purpose and my dream. It’s what made me truly happy.
Because I had created a team and systems to so my business could literally run without me, at 48 I was able to sell my financial planning practice to my partner for $1,000,000 to follow my dream of helping women on their journey of self-discovery, healing, guidance, and building abundance and prosperity in their lives.
I founded a global online community called Smart Women’s Coaching® with the intention of creating a community of women working together to reinvent their lives and grow wealth while following their passions and life purpose.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment.

None of this was easy. In fact so much of it was very, very difficult, but when I look back over my life, I can now see that it was a series of steps in an ongoing process that I have used over and over to overcome my fears and manifest each dream. I actually call this process The Six Pillars of Awakened Prosperity System and it starts with the Dream, then Discovery, the Leap, the Plan, the Dance and finally Mastery.

All of it was perfect — the experiences, good and bad so that I could fulfill my life purpose. There are three very simple secrets that make this whole process easier so you can go to the next level in life, aligned in your true purpose and they are:

1. Finding a mentor or a guide who has been where you want to go and following them. It takes 10 years or 10,000 hours to become an expert in your field – so shorten this journey with a guide. This could be a program even a book.

2. Identify your tribe and surround yourself with people who love and support you and who will hold you accountable to your dream. Don’t do it alone.

3. Learn how to manage your energy and mindset. So often we give up just before we reach success, or because of limiting beliefs or because we need to the tools to keep us inspired and able to finish what we start.

I am a contributing author in a book called, Thank God I, titled “Thank God I was Abandoned and Abused”. Now I look for the gift in every experience because it’s always there. The secret is never losing faith and trusting the process. Once you do, the magic begins to happen and life begins to flow.

 

HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Terri Amos-Britt is on a mission, uniting moms to heal their lives, setting examples for their families to thrive. Terri is a spiritual coach, energetic healer, author of the award-winning book, “The Enlightened Mom,” and founder of www.TheEnlightenedMom.com. Sharing her story as a mompreneur, wife, mom, stepmom, and former Miss USA, Terri teaches moms energetic tools to shift their lives and homes from emotional chaos to peace, miracles and abundance. Terri says, “Peace comes when we take responsibility to heal our own lives…one person at a time. And it starts with Mom first. When mom heals…the family heals…the world heals!” Learn more at  TheEnlightenedMom.com

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

I lived most of my life believing I had to be good to be loved. My fear was that if I weren’t a “good girl,” I would be punished. I wouldn’t be loved. I wouldn’t be accepted. I WOULD be alone.

I was terrified of being alone. I feared that in my aloneness I might suffer and die. I don’t think I realized this when I was young. I just knew I didn’t like the feeling. As an adult and spiritual coach, I now know that our egos keep us in survival mode. It’s like the old pack animal mentality. If you are separated and alone, you die. I didn’t know this back then. All I knew was that I didn’t like feeling alone. I can even remember as a young child knocking on my friend’s door to discover no one was home. As I sat in her yard all by myself, I thought, “I am all alone in the world.” What a harsh belief to take on at the ripe old age of seven! But I did. That belief became my filter. And because I wanted so desperately to feel connected and loved, I began to perform for others’ love and approval.

Performance for me meant to behave, be nice, think of everyone else at the expense of myself, not share my thoughts and to always, ALWAYS, put on a happy smile even though I felt like I was dying inside. The problem with performing, however, is that I expected people to perform for me in return. And when they didn’t, I went nuts! I would go emotionally “wacko” and out of control. I’d have my happy face on one minute and the next, flip out. This wasn’t all the time, but it happened a lot. This created a cycle of guilt and shame in which I constantly sought love and forgiveness from the people I loved, yet, never felt good enough to receive it.

I felt so bad on the inside that life became a competition. I competed because I was in lack on the inside. I lived my life being a good girl believing that if I did things right, I would WIN people’s love. I believed that being the best and winning was the only way to survive. I became the epitome of the over-achiever. Whether I was a straight “A” student, a leader in multiple organizations in both high school and as an adult, a homecoming princess, teacher’s pet, television host, or even Miss USA, which I won in 1982, I constantly tried to fill myself up by being the best. Other people’s opinions always came first. That’s why I performed. I lived from my head instead of my heart. It was as if there was a list in my mind called, “What a Good Girl Does to Win Love.”

My need to achieve became a drug. With each win, I felt my ego screaming out a great big YES! But on the inside, I knew something was missing. In fact, in the moment of winning Miss USA my spirit asked, “Is this it?”

Winning wasn’t IT. However, I didn’t discover what IT was until I became a mom.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake. 

I spent my life searching for love. I did it in school and with work. I didn’t feel love in that world, however, and eventually left everything to become a mom. I felt a calling and believed that being a mom would fill me up. What I quickly realized is that my need to be the best still haunted me. I wanted to be the best mom I could be. Yes, I wanted this for my kids, believing this would make them happy. But deep down, I wanted to be the best so that they would love me in return. Here was that theme again. I didn’t want to lose their love and be alone. I wanted them to grow up and tell me that I had “done it right” and been a good mom. I knew I was failing, however, when I collapsed at my stepson’s bedside, saying through uncontrollable sobs, “I don’t know how to love you!”

When I came into A.J.’s life, he was almost five. He’s now 29. I had a list of “good child rules” for him, just like I lived by. I truly believed that as I tried to control him and “make” him be good, that I was doing the right thing. I felt I was being the best mom I could be. I believed I was preparing him so he would not only survive, but also thrive.

I couldn’t stand myself. I had so many expectations to be good, both for this child and for myself as a mom. But deep down I knew both of us were hurting. Instead of winning, I felt like a complete failure. I knew A.J. had to feel the same way, too. I hated when I screamed at him or emotionally lashed out. I also felt jealous of him. I had so much lack inside that I felt as if I needed to compete against him for his dad’s love. I knew this couldn’t be right. This didn’t feel like love. It felt like survival.

I KNEW something had to give when my girls, Mackenzie and Kolbi, were born. I loved my babies so much. I didn’t want to continue this cycle of pain and struggle. I just wanted to be peaceful, joyful and filled with unconditional love.

It was at this time that my dad died. In my younger days, daddy had always been my hero. I loved and adored him. The problem was that he didn’t love himself. He was a broken man when he died. He had lost everything in bankruptcy and slowly pulled away from all of our family. He was there physically, but had separated from our love. Dad had expectations and rules for himself that he couldn’t meet, and in the end, couldn’t forgive himself. And because of this, he shut down to love.

Daddy’s death was the second part of my awakening. I began therapy some months after he passed and soon realized that I was a lot like him. I was really hard on myself and my heart was shut down like his. My therapist could see that I was wound pretty tightly and suggested I get into meditation. That’s when my world opened up and I stepped onto a magical adventure!

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life?

When you make a decision to be unconditional love, you open your heart to give and receive love freely. Things you never knew about yourself are revealed and magic and miracles appear! Unconditional love connects you to God. As you stand for this in your life, people and things show up to support you. That’s what happened to me. I knew I wanted to shift but had no idea how. The therapist’s guidance to get into meditation was the avenue to take me there.

I was intrigued by the idea of meditation. Almost immediately, I met a new friend who encouraged me to join her at an energetic school for meditation and healing. The first night in meditation class I saw a spirit move across the room! I must have looked white as the ghost I saw because the teacher asked me what I was seeing. It was the coolest thing I had ever experienced! I had no idea that I could see!

I was on a miraculous journey and quickly entered the school’s healing class, working with guides and energy. Oh my gosh! My world opened up in ways that I never imagined. Michael, the archangel, became my guide and friend. Plus, through his help, I started doing energetic healings on classmates. I learned that we are ALL able to work with energy and that we can tap into guidance and healing any time we want. WOW! I no longer felt alone. I felt I could call on guides and angels for help whenever I wanted. What a relief!

What was really cool about connecting to the other side is that I no longer felt that looking for love outside of myself was IT. I knew there was more and was on an adventure to find it.

My quest continued into a 13-month clairvoyant program. Here I learned tools to not only look at a person’s energy and to see and clear their blocks, but to also look at my own. This schooling proved to be invaluable as the next part of my awakening was revealed.

A little girl showed up in my mind’s eye as I sat meditating one day. This little five-year-old is the child inside of me. She is my heart and is the way I was created. As I sat there and cried and cried, realizing that I had never really acknowledged her nor accepted her, I heard, “Get up and write this. This is the beginning of your book, Terri.” That was my first book, “Message Sent.” It was my journal of awakening. For the next year while I wrote it, I created a connection to my heart by talking to Little Terri. I gave her permission to stop performing. I told her she could be the way she was created. The problem was that I really didn’t know who she was. So I made every daily situation with my kids, my hubby, and the world around me an opportunity to get to know her. Whenever I felt judgment, blame, resentment, lack, or any negative emotion, I intuitively went within and nurtured and loved this little girl. I asked her what was hurting and dove deeper to see what false beliefs were blocking her. This is where I discovered the “good girl rules” I talked about earlier. And with the recognition of each of them, I released them energetically and asked, “What is your truth?”

GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION TO STAND IN MY TRUTH IS WHERE I FINALLY FOUND THE LOVE I HAD BEEN SEEKING FOR SO LONG!

Every time I asked little Terri what her truth was and then stood in that truth, the pain melted away. I felt a sense of connectedness, of feeling loved and whole. Truth is unconditional love. Truth is God. This is the love we are all looking for.

The gift I discovered in walking this path is that not only did I heal, but so did my family. Because I was now communicating with my heart…God’s greatest messenger of all…and loving myself unconditionally, that love and communication overflowed to my family. No longer did I feel the need to be best, nor to make my kids the best. Because I was honoring and loving the way I was created, I could honor and love the way they were created. All the walls dissolved and our family became whole. Some years later my hubby died and I remarried. My new hubby and I used these same tools to turn our blended family into a whole, loving family in record time. Statistically, most stepfamilies take about seven years to become cohesive. Ours took about two. That’s because we quit looking for others to fill us up and, instead, gave ourselves permission to stand in our own truths.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment. 

I’ve taught people all over the world to heal their lives with the energetic tools in “The Enlightened Mom” book and workshops. These are the tools that healed my life, as well as my family. There is one truth, however, that stands out above all others that I would like to share with you. If you make a commitment to do this today, your life will change in amazing ways!

STOP PERFORMING FOR LOVE!

STANDING IN YOUR TRUTH MEANS YOU ARE HONORING AND LOVING THE WAY GOD CREATED YOU.

YOU ARE PUTTING GOD FIRST!

Most of us don’t know how to put God first. For many of us, due to family or religious upbringing, we believe that to put God first means to deny ourselves. But it’s exactly the opposite. Our old programming says that for us to put God first, we must be good. But as my life so clearly exemplifies, when you deny who you were created to be, you create pain and suffering. You disconnect from God. But by loving yourself and nurturing your heart, that little child within, you create a connection. You become the essence of love. Life becomes easier. You open up to receive God’s guidance, support and love, as you’ll see in the following story.

Last year, I was led on a magical journey of healing to Barcelona, Spain, to have surgery for Chiari Malformation I. I had asked for a kinder, gentler way to heal this physical pain. Chiari can lead to blindness, loss of hearing and loss of usage of your appendages. In the U.S., the surgery is quite intense by cutting out the back of the skull and cauterizing inside the spine to create an opening for the cervical fluids to flow. Not only is the surgery rather radical, but the recovery is also very long. So after realizing that my life had come to a standstill after two years of putting off the surgery, I said, “Okay, God. I am ready to have this surgery, but if there is a kinder, gentler way, please show me the way.”

THE NEXT DAY, I met some people at the local outdoor mall after admiring their dog. Through our conversation, they mentioned that their son was very sick with Chiari. My mouth dropped and so did theirs when I told them I was struggling with Chiari as well. The next shock came when they told me about a doctor in Spain who did a much less invasive surgery that took 45 minutes, went through the lower back rather than cutting out the skull and then you’re out of the hospital the next day. I was blown away!

I was in Barcelona six weeks later. Now here’s the really cool part. God had a plan for me on my trip to Spain, but I didn’t truly realize it until I was sitting on a tour bus the day I arrived in Barcelona. I was tired, but didn’t want to go to bed so I could get my body acclimated to the time zone. I looked through a brochure to discover that there was a local monastery tour. I was excited, as I had been hearing in my meditations for months that I needed to visit a monastery. I just figured it was a message telling me to rest. But, NO! There was a much bigger message for me to receive.

As my hubby, Charlie, and I sat on the bus, the tour guide explained that we were heading to the mountain of Montserrat, and that it was one of the seven most sacred mountains in the world. He went on to explain that the monastery there was in honor of the Divine Mother. As Charlie would say, I had the biggest possum-eating grin on my face when I heard this. I knew something was up, especially as we both felt the intense energy of the mountain. It was only after I decided to stay at the monastery hostel to recover from my surgery that I learned that the belief there was that the Divine Mother takes you to God. Woo hoo! Through my own path as a mom and then being guided to write “The Enlightened Mom,” I knew that nurturing and loving yourself unconditionally brings you to wholeness. But God wanted me to see it clearly by guiding me to a monastery across the world.

When you tap into the Divine Mother inside of you, you tap into God. Whether you’re a man or woman, you have this loving, nurturing, receptive energy that is a part of you. When you stop performing trying to win others’ love and approval, and take a stand for truth, you align your heart with God, opening up to abundance and miracles.

 

HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Deb Scott, BA, CPC, is a Certified Professional Coach, Top Rated Radio Host of The Best People We Know Radio Show with over half a million listeners, and a four time Award Winning Author for the best in Self-Help, Self-Improvement, Motivation & New Non-Fiction for: The Sky is Green & The Grass is Blue. Deb specializes in helping people turn things around, whether it’s in business, or in the business of living. Her unique combination of twenty years as a consistent sales professional & leadership award winner as a Cardiac Surgery Sales Specialist, combined with her personal experience of facing & healing from sexual abuse, dysfunctional relationships, others’ alcoholism, being a sole care giver to the death for both her parents, and even financial tragedy, offers individuals a unique opportunity to learn new ways of thinking, doing and being in the face of life’s most painful obstacles.
Discover how to bring good out of the bad, keep hope alive, and know your best life is yet to come. Learn more at greenskyandbluegrass.com

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

My greatest challenge – Not allowing my Happiness to be based or influenced from another persons’ Mind and/or Opinion. What do I mean by this?

As a person who has overcome trauma – it is a natural tendency to automatically suffer low self-esteem. This low self-esteem always manifests symptoms of demanding outward validation from the approval of others.
The futile nature of this irrational solution is of course there is never enough outward validation from others, and always an over-abundant amount of rejection and negative feedback from others – hence – self-esteem gained in this way from other people is never possible.

The pivot point for me has been to focus on pleasing one person – and my standard for this one person is God.
If I am in good conscience and peace to do my best on the basis of this one standard, I am free to have secure self-esteem regardless of outside opinion.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake.

For me, it was an accumulation of events which perhaps first became obvious with my fathers near death experience, which woke me up to the illusion that I didn’t have any control over anything in my life, that God may actually exist, that I am not going to live forever, the people I love won’t live forever, nothing truly lasts, and the humbling shocking awareness that life is not fair, and perhaps my priorities of what I had invested the most of myself into – were not going to repay what I truly needed most.

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life? 

Educating myself, reading, prayer, pilgrimage, finding new mentors who had what I wanted and needed.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment. 

The fact you are here listening to this is proof positive you have already begun action into your personal greatness.

 

HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Lisa McCourt teaches writing, creativity and joy to passionate souls who are ready to substantially up-level their success in work and in life. Her most recent Hay House release, Juicy Joy, is the culmination of three decades of full immersion in the world of personal development, training with top gurus to decipher the secrets of radical, lasting joy. Lisa’s 37 published books spanning all genres have sold over 5.5 million copies, won six publishing awards, and gone into 11 languages. A live and online trainer to thousands, Lisa is a frequent speaker at both writing conferences and self-growth events. Learn more at www.LisaMcCourt.com

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

To say my greatest personal challenge has been overcoming my people-pleaser tendencies would be a vast understatement. I was a people-pleaser of epic proportions. Olympian-level. People-pleasing was my superhero power.

From a lifetime of developing this skill as a survival technique, I’d gotten to the point where whoever was in front of me, I could immediately intuit exactly who that person would most like me to be, and become that for my interactions with them. It could be a friend, an employer, a lover, or the kid at the deli counter making my sandwich; it didn’t matter. Whoever it was, I could instantaneously become whatever would delight that person most.

My driving force — the thing that’s propelled me throughout my life — has always been a desire for connection. For as long as I can remember, I’ve craved genuine, meaningful connection with others. But ironically, this superhero power I’d developed was the very thing that made true connection impossible for me. Because when you go through life with a skill like that – no matter what love or admiration or affection anyone tries to offer you, you can’t receive it. You know deep down, that this love is contingent upon you keeping up the façade you spontaneously created for that person. So no matter how much love anyone tries to give you, the love has nowhere to land.

People-pleasers have a reputation as being super-giving, super-caring, super-loving types, right? We’re not. That’s just the illusion we project. The truth is that people-pleasers are the most selfish SOB’s out there. Everything they do is motivated by a need to make you like them. Because your attention, your admiration, is what sustains them—it’s their lifeline—it’s like blood to a vampire. They’re going to do anything they can to suck it out of you.

I struggled with my people-pleasing addiction until the day I finally, after an excruciatingly long learning curve, locked into the deep knowing that I am whole and complete whether anyone approves of me or not. That may sound terribly mundane to you if you’ve never been afflicted with a people-pleasing addiction, but I can assure you it was monumental for me. My whole world opened up from there.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake.

I have a solid foothold in plenty of victim stories. I could tell one now and make you cry. But the truth is, my most transformational pivot-moment came in the form of a tipping-point, after many years of gradual accumulation. I was in a beautiful place, clinking wine glasses with my best friend, watching my perfect, healthy children play. I had the manifestation principles down, even back then. I’d been studying metaphysics my whole life and I’d manifested it all – the husband, kids, beautiful home in my favorite part of the country, stellar health, a lucrative dream career as an author of parenting books and kids’ books that were selling millions of copies. But I was screaming inside. Aching. Always hoping maybe the next self-help book or the next seminar might patch that up, and if didn’t, at least I was always really good at hiding it, and as long as it stayed hidden everything would be okay. Here’s how I describe my turning-point moment in Juicy Joy, 7 Simple Steps to Your Glorious, Gutsy Self:

A garlic-infused breeze kicks up the palm fronds beside the table at my favorite neighborhood bistro. “What do you want?” Sarah asks me. Her kids and my kids—all smart, sweet and beautiful—chase one another around the plaza fountain. Sarah gets up to bring them wishing coins.

What do I want?

I want more.

I want to crash out of this invisible armor I’m trapped in—to tear away the shackles and freefall, delirious and wild. I want uninhibited, unbridled, uncontained passion. I want to plummet naked into a velvet ocean at midnight and roll in the ecstasy of the waves.

I want to peel back my layers and hold my raw wounds up to the sun for healing.

I want to slice through these suffocating wrappings and grab onto core me—whoever that is—and never let her go; make her into the real me, the only me, for some to love and some not to love . . . and I want to not so painfully care who does and who doesn’t.

I want to feel, taste, devour it all—no filters, no censors, no gatekeeper telling me what is rightfully mine to take and what isn’t. I want rapture. I want free, primal, abandon at the top of a mountain under a full moon. I want to absorb me, embrace me, the light and the dark, the glorious and the hideous, and cherish it all and laugh at it all forever.

Sarah’s back. “So what do you want?” she asks.

What do I want? “Caprese salad and a cup of pasta fagioul.”

We close our menus and clink our chiantis as my daughter slides, sweaty and precious, into my lap.

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life?

I’d reached that tipping point and I had to really look to figure out what I was doing wrong with my personal development practice because I knew this was good stuff and it worked and yet I was missing something with it. And what I discovered was missing was pure, unadulterated authenticity and self-love. I was taking all these really wonderful, powerful principles and spending the time and effort to really learn how to use them – but I was only applying them to my external shell – this persona I had created and started calling ME a long, long time before. It wasn’t who I really was at my core. I’d spent so many years as this persona that I didn’t even remember who I was. I had no idea. But that’s who was screaming. She wasn’t gonna let me ignore her anymore. She wanted out.

I recognized at this point that on some level, I’d been intentionally blocking my core self. I was terrified of anything surfacing that might threaten that shell. Once I realized that authenticity and self-love were the deficits that result in a people-pleasing addiction, I began funneling all my personal-development practices into the specific goal of transforming myself in those two areas.

I discovered that I wasn’t only being inauthentic in my interactions with others, but even within my own self, I was inauthentic about my own feelings. If you’ve been on a spiritual path for a while, maybe you know what I’m talking about. It’s easy to get the impression from many spiritual teachings, that the goal is to eliminate all negative thinking. We’re taught that negative thoughts and feelings will bring us more negativity, so we need to keep our vibration high by thinking happy thoughts, happy thoughts, all the time, in order to bring more happy circumstances our way.

I’m not saying this advice has no place in a well-rounded consciousness program, but without a super-skillful application of it, this goal can become a deadly dangerous practice. You are a human being, and you have human emotions for a reason. The goal should never be to eliminate the “bad” ones, but to train yourself to feel joy in all of them. Pushing away a negative emotion never really gets rid of it anyway. Repressing or denying any of your feelings just causes them to get lodged in your subconscious energy stores.

Every natural human emotion is a gift. Sadness is a gift. Anger is a gift. Shame is a gift. Our suffering around these emotions is caused by our resistance to feeling them. Without the resistance, they flow right through us — naturally, beautifully, perfectly. It’s what they’re meant to do. Every emotion is an exquisite message from the divine, and if we stay open to them, and grateful for these messages, we don’t have to suffer from any of them.

You are an energetic system and your authentic emotions are energies that reside within that system. Denying and suppressing your genuine feelings is denying YOU. It’s a form of self-loathing, self-abuse. So the most powerful steps I took to change my life were the steps that led me to full acceptance of every feeling and emotion that surfaced for me. Learning to embrace the broad spectrum of my authentic emotions led me to a level of self-love I’d never come close to experiencing before.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment.

To know your feelings is to know you. Decide right now to honor and embrace every feeling that comes up for you. It takes practice because most of us are not in that habit. Start by simply setting the intention for yourself every morning when you wake up: “Today, I’m going to check in periodically and ask myself what I’m feeling.” You might set a goal of deliberating observing your feelings at least once every hour. Then every time you look at a clock, let that serve as a reminder to check in with yourself.

Whenever you notice having a positive feeling, make a point to appreciate it. Your positive feelings are always a cause for celebration and the more you celebrate them, the more you’ll have.

When you notice a negative feeling, consciously welcome that feeling, too. Invite it in. Observe how your default would be to resist the feeling, or push it away or deny it. Choose to do the opposite. Put your hand over your heart or your gut or whatever helps you to intensify the experience of the feeling. Mentally pull back into the frame of mind Buddhists call the “witness state,” and observe yourself. Say to yourself, “How interesting that I’m feeling this right now.” Ask the feeling what its gift is, and remain open for an answer to come to you, even if it doesn’t right away. Try to feel grateful for the feeling.

I know you want to get to that BETTER feeling, so here’s a self-honoring way to do that: As often as you can throughout your day, stop and ask, “What am I feeling right now?” After fully accepting and embracing whatever answer you get, next ask yourself, “What would I LIKE to be feeling?” Directing your attention to what you want to feel (and vividly imagining that feeling) will naturally open up ideas and possibilities that will lead you to have the feelings you want.

The more you are able to expand your emotional range, the more comfortable you’ll be in your own skin. You’ll connect better with others. You’ll get to the point of truly welcoming every feeling without resistance. And here’s a big bonus benefit: Every time you welcome a new feeling that matches the energy of an old feeling you’ve previously repressed, you’ll actually be releasing the negative energy that got stored in your energetic body with that repressed emotion. All those undigested emotions you’ve stored away will gradually work themselves up to the surface until you eventually start experiencing the ongoing bliss of true emotional freedom in your daily life.

 HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Alice Chan, Ph.D., a former award-winning Cornell professor and seasoned business consultant, is an inspirational personal empowerment author, speaker and coach, devoted to living consciously. Following a near-fatal car accident in December 2008, she reconnected to her soul mission in this life—to help others rediscover their true selves and love their lives. Her first book, REACH Your Dreams: Five Steps to be a Conscious Creator in Your Life, is hailed as a “compelling and acutely honest guide to creating an inspired and passionate life.” Learn more at www.dralicechan.com and download your free REACH Your Dreams tools.

 We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

On December 30, 2008, I was nearly killed in a car accident. While I was still unconscious in the hospital, I had a near-death experience. While being enveloped by a bright white light, the warmest Unconditional Love that simply wasn’t of the human world, and a certainty that all was perfect and exactly in right order, I was informed that I almost died, but was kept alive because there was more for me to do in this life.

Having sustained severe head trauma and being truly lucky to be alive, my recovery was long and arduous. In hindsight, for some 6 months after the accident, I suffered from post-trauma stress. There were countless times when I’d lie in bed, physically sick and having little will to live. I’d ask, “Why didn’t I just die? That would have been so much easier than this!”

But, deep down, I was unwilling to accept that I was kept alive to suffer. So, I dug deep and summoned every ounce of strength I had to thrive again. In November 2009, one week before Thanksgiving, I quit the job I had long since outgrown to venture into self-employment. Never mind that the year end was a lousy time to start a consulting practice, there was a historic recession going on as well. All logic pointed to how stupid leaving my job at that time was. However, my inner wisdom had gnawed at me for months to leave my job in November.

By then, I knew that I couldn’t ignore that nudge, even in the face of how illogical and truly frightening that move was. I had no idea of how things were going to work out, and there was no guarantee that the professional leap of faith I made would pay off. In 2010, the first full year I was self-employed, I went on to having my highest income-earning year of my entire career up to that point—again in the midst of a historic recession.

Nearly dying and having a glimpse of the Love, Perfection and Right Order in the Spirit World gave me a chance to experience what I had only read and heard about. That is, no matter how things may appear objectively speaking, and how much life can challenge us sometimes, when we’re living our mission in this life, we’d never, ever be left stranded.

Going through the difficult recovery also gave me a taste of what being in surrender mode is like. We hear all the time the need to give up control and surrender to life. Yet, it’s a difficult proposition for most, and certainly for me. In the first 8 weeks after the accident when I couldn’t drive, I had to let others take me anywhere I needed to go. As independent as I had grown to become, it was truly unnerving for me to be so vulnerable and dependent on others. The accident was symbolic of losing control completely and having no choice but to surrender. It was a tough lesson to learn at the time, but I can appreciate how that experience strengthened my faith and my ability to trust my inner wisdom to direct me into the unknown.

It was this experience that finally got me over my inner critic’s objections to my writing a book on personal empowerment. I got the “Divine download” in March 2008 to write this book. But I didn’t feel I had the credibility to author such a work, nor did I believe I was worthy of being the channel of such a message. I finally realized that writing this book was a piece of the mission I was kept alive to fulfill. So, in the first quarter of 2011, I’ve finally cleared out enough internal blocks to birth “REACH Your Dreams: Five Steps to be a Conscious Creator in Your Life” in 3 months, while holding down a consulting practice. The writing flowed, and it was the most exquisite experience of co-creating with the Divine I’ve ever experienced in my life!

In sum, I can honestly say that that accident changed my life forever. And, having had that near-death experience was a priceless gift, as it was what kept me going through many moments of immense fear and self-doubt, as I know that I’m living the life I’m meant to live, the mission I was kept alive to fulfill.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake. 

As mentioned above, the accident itself was the wake-up call. However, long before the wake-up call, my life wasn’t working. For years, I had questioned what my purpose for being in this life was. In March 2008, the same year I had the accident, I had come to a crisis point of feeling that, if I had to continue living the life I was living, I might as well be dead! I accepted a friend’s invitation to go to Sedona and sit on Bell Rock. She said that the energy of that site had the power to set in motion change whether or not I was ready for it. And I certainly was.

It was while in Sedona that my torments in life all made sense. I was meant to experience all the struggles, heartbreak and pain so that I could relate to those I was born to serve. I was supposed to write a book and create programs to help others who suffered like me and needed to find a way out of the rubbles to live with passion and authenticity, being in alignment with who they really are.

When I came home from Sedona, I started writing, but couldn’t continue because my human self—the part that was controlled by my ego, my inner critic—didn’t believe I was worthy of the “assignment.” I was nobody. Who would want to read anything I had to say? Who am I to teach personal empowerment? Before long, fear and doubts around survival completely took over, and I reverted right back to living the life that I had long since outgrown—and loathing myself even more for being stuck doing that and not having the courage to change.

It took the wakeup call of almost dying and continued spiritual study to get myself ready to really embrace what I was called to do. So, it was an experience of spiritual awakening that came with a lot of necessary physical recovery, emotional cleansing and mental preparation. I started to realize that, in sharing my story and sharing tools on conscious living, I’d be doing my part in encouraging others to know that their struggles don’t define them, and that, no matter how much existential pain and discomfort they might be enduring, they could never miss their lives if they kept their faith and remained open to being guided.

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life? 

The first most important step I took after the accident was to make the decision to thrive again. As mentioned above, the recovery was very difficult physically and psychologically. I realized that, if I didn’t make the mental and emotional choice first to feel better, I’d be resigning myself to scraping by one day at a time indefinitely. So, that conscious decision to thrive again was pivotal.

Then, I engaged in months of gratitude and forgiveness work. Almost every day for months leading up to quitting my job, I wrote list upon list of things to be grateful for in my life. Also, I wrote list upon list of all the anger and resentment I felt for the owners of the company I was working for at the time. I knew that if I didn’t do that, I’d carry the bitterness and resentment of being over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated into my consulting practice. So, even though the initial lists were really just empty words, I kept at it until I actually felt the release of the trapped negativity. I was actually able to forgive them—and myself for being a spineless doormat for way too long.

The third most powerful step I took was honoring what I was ready to do at the time. I knew that it would be too drastic of a life change to leave my job to become an author, coach and teacher in a completely different field. I simply couldn’t do that. Instead, I said “yes” to leaving my job in objectively bad timing and a historic recession, but choosing to take an intermediate step of becoming self-employed in the same consulting field to give myself some time to get used to giving up the security of a regular paycheck with benefits. This decision to honor my humanness helped me build faith. It has served me well ever since, and I’m a huge advocate of honoring our humanness while we continue to awaken spiritually and carry out our soul’s mission in this life. After all, it’s ultimately about living a human life with a consciousness of our spiritual truth.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment. 

If I were to name one critical Positive Mental Shift to implement today, it’d be to practice knowing that we are inherently whole, complete and enough without any conditions. It’s unfortunate that just about everybody learns unworthiness during the course of our lives—and then we have to spend the rest of our lives unlearning this untruth! It’s this unworthiness at the root of our identity that feeds the self-doubt and fears that allow our inner critic to run our lives.

When we don’t believe we’re each truly magnificent Divine Love in human form, that’s when we keep ourselves trapped in a life that’s unsatisfying, because we don’t know that we can do better, that we deserve better. We stay in abusive relationships and/or jobs that make us feel like spineless doormats. We struggle to pay our bills and sustain our lives. When we’re able to “deprogram” ourselves from all the messages about what we must do and what we must have in order to be worthy, we can get reconnected to our Authentic Truth and live from that knowing. When that happens, our self-worth isn’t contingent upon what we do for a living, how much money we have in the bank, what kind of an objectively successful life we can proudly flaunt to a critical, judging human world.

When we can shift our mindset to knowing that we are enough without having to qualify for it, and that we don’t need to be fixed to be deserving, that’s when life circumstances can’t bring us to our knees—or at least not keep us down. Because we know we have the power to shift our mental state, and the outer parts of our lives have no choice but to transform to match our inner state. It’s by Universal Laws that this is so.

How do we do make this mental shift? Learn to cease self-judgments. That is, we don’t call ourselves a failure or stupid because our lives don’t meet the marks of some arbitrary yard stick we’ve learned to use to compare ourselves to others. We don’t make ourselves wrong when we feel low-energy emotions, such as jealousy, depression, angst, etc. It’s true we don’t want to dwell on these emotions. But, the first step to knowing and accepting that we’re whole, complete and unconditionally worthy is to not make ourselves wrong for being human. Instead, we honor our humanness in having these emotions sometimes, and know that we have the power to choose lovingly to shift away from them.

When we can accept ourselves unconditionally, even through the times we’re crabby or feel like a failure, we can then accept and love ourselves unconditionally. When we can accept and love ourselves unconditionally, we return to knowing our truth of being whole and complete. When that happens, the world around us will also magically follow suit and see us the same way, too.

 

HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Andrea Hylen believes in the power of a woman’s voice to usher in a new world. She is the visionary and founder of Heal My Voice, a non-profit organization dedicated to empowering women to heal a story in their lives, reclaim personal power and step into greater leadership at the dinner table, in their communities and in the world. She is an author, inspirational speaker and workshop leader at retreats and conferences speaking on Women’s Empowerment, Collaboration as a Business Model and Women Healing Together.  Learn more at www.healmyvoice.org

We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation? 

Greatest Personal Challenge: Negative Self-Talk and People Pleasing. The greatest challenge, the one that took every ounce of strength I had was making the decision to leave my first marriage. And the main reason it was so hard was my dysfunctional pattern of people-pleasing and putting everyone’s needs and desires ahead of my own. In my family, everyone was married for 50+ years. Marriage was honored and valued as a lifetime commitment. ‘Til death do us part. I felt there was an unspoken pact within the family. The words loyalty, fear and shame were attached to the big “D” word. You got married and you dealt with the dysfunction. If you were unhappy, just put yourself at the bottom of the list and deal with it. Even with a family lineage of alcoholism and verbal abuse and unhealthy relationships, divorce was never an option. So, when I told a family member that my marriage was falling apart and I felt my heart was breaking, I was told, “you made your bed now lie in it.” No discussion. No questions asked. No concern over the words “I am dying inside.” It was expected that marriage was a lifelong sentence. No reason for early parole. You made your bed, now lie in it.I met my husband at Temple University on the day before school. Both of us were transfer students and there was an optional “studying seminar” we both attended to start the semester on a strong foundation. Our lives were woven together in the first few weeks of school when we discovered that we both commuted an hour and a half to school and lived only 10 minutes from each other. Synchronistic connection. One day we found ourselves standing on the train platform together! Totally surprised. I became a member of his family instantly and we were married after four years of school, work and dating.

He was a functional alcoholic. Working a full time job with overtime, then coming home, cracking open a beer and drinking all night until he fell into bed. I was aware of the alcoholism in his family and in one conversation before we were married, he told me he would stop drinking. A sign of my people-pleasing. Do not confront anything that might be a conflict. Do not bring up uncomfortable conversations.We moved two hours from our families, bought a house, worked full time jobs and gave birth to two daughters. The birth of our second child, Elizabeth threw me into a tailspin. In the hospital, I remember looking into her eyes and feeling this powerful wake-up call. It was like she was saying, “Okay, Mom. I am here now. Get it together.” Six weeks after her birth, I returned to work and saw a flyer in the elevator, announcing a lunchtime Al-Anon meeting. No more excuses. It was time to tell people that I was living with an alcoholic and to admit how exhausted I was from trying to make our marriage work. I felt like a failure.

The people pleaser in me had converted to Catholicism, walked on eggshells, suffered in silence, tried: cleaning the house, being cheerful, cooking Sunday night dinners, doing all of the child care, grocery shopping and more. My husband was critical and controlling and my own negative, internal self-talk had an ongoing conversation of criticism layered on top of his. Finally, I started to see a therapist and explore the family history of alcoholism and the dysfunctional behavior in my household.

By the time I hit an emotional bottom, I was isolated from family and friends, forgot who I was and what I valued, lost all sense of self, sleep deprived and suffering from a mild depression.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake. 

There were two pivotal moments that were wake-up calls. The first was late one night, sitting in the kitchen cross stitching ornaments for Christmas presents. Surviving on only three to four hours of sleep each night, I had a moment of paralysis. My legs and feet were frozen in place. I couldn’t move. I cried out for my husband to help me. With his assistance, I was slowly able to shuffle into the bedroom. Crying myself to sleep that night, I kept repeating inwardly to myself, tomorrow is Al-Anon. I just have to make it to the Al-Anon meeting. Pushing myself to be the perfect mother, wife, employee, including making handmade ornaments had driven me to the beginning of a nervous breakdown.The second was seeing a look in my two year old daughters eyes, the daughter who was calling me to “get it together.” I was arguing with her father when I heard a voice in my head say, “This is not the role model I came to be for my children.” I made the decision that I would leave the marriage for the sake of my daughters.

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life?

It took me almost a year and finally I moved out of the house. Emotionally it felt like I was crawling away. To get out, I left my daughter’s behind. No support from family or friends, my husband and I verbally agreed to joint custody. I knew I needed to take the oxygen mask for myself first. To rent a house, set up the household and then resume my role as a mother. My husband manipulated the legal system and tried to prove that I was crazy. The first few years, we were in the court systems fighting for joint custody. I learned how to use my voice to stand up for myself and my children. I took classes and learned a variety of healing modalities. Attended Insight Seminars that helped me to connect with a new community of conscious, awakening people. Organized book circles in my living room to heal emotionally with John Bradshaw’s: The Family, Julia Cameron’s: The Artist’s Way and James Redfield’s: The Celestine Prophecy. Over time the commitment I had to my own heal myself, helped to heal my daughter’s, too.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment. 

FIND SUPPORT from healthy individuals and groups.The funny thing about support is that the biggest thing most of us really need is inspiration and someone who believes in us. Someone who can mirror who we really are and remind us that each day we are getting stronger and healthier. I found support in Al-Anon and in groups of people in spiritual classes and workshops. I had amazing mentors at work and slowly but surely, I found my tribe of people. Now, 25 years later, I see Facebook groups and Pages another wonderful support of inspiration. One more thing: I know that we haven’t met in person. But, I know that if you are reading this, you are ready to wake up. And I BELIEVE in YOU!!  

HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!

 

Salle Felton – As featured on ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX News affiliates across the country, Sallie Felton, President of Sallie Felton LLC is a professional life coach, international radio talk show host, #1 best selling author, facilitator, international speaker, former hypnotherapist and deep imagery therapist. Her unique approach, which is equal parts honesty, playfulness and genuine compassion, is what’s earned Sallie accolades from clients, colleagues and radio show guests alike. As she says, “this is a process so let’s start where you stand, right now, right here. What do you want? How will you achieve it? And most importantly, when are you going to start? If not Now, WHEN. Learn more at www.salliefeltonlifecoach.com

 We all experience life challenges that looking back we can see were the catalyst for living a deeper, more authentic life. What has been your greatest personal challenge that you’ve overcome that served as your pivot point to transformation?

I remember this well, the honeymoon was over. It was in 1974, three months after Conway and I married something different was occurring, something I had not seen in all the 4 years we had been dating. (Let me preface by saying in the early ‘70’s (or pre-historic times as our children would say) many couples were just beginning to “live together” before marriage. Conway and I talked about it, but decided it would put more strain on our parents than not).

How had I missed this? I would arrive home from work and Conway would follow on the next train out of Boston. Upon arriving home, without a hug or a kiss “hello”, he would get out of his business suit, put on more comfortable clothes and go to bed! What was going on? My mind was spinning, “What did I do to cause him to ignore me?”, “Was I this bad at being a wife?” or “Does he regret being married?” I felt alone and walking on eggshells.

Dawning the proverbial “happy face”, from which I mastered from my mother, I tried to cheer him up, tried to be upbeat and positive. This proved to be exhausting not for him, but depleted me. His quietness, lack of energy, lack of appetite, restless sleeping and solitude was becoming an everyday occurrence. He would make an issue out of the simplest of things. What was going on? This was not the same man I fell in love with 4 years ago? What did I do?

Do you know he used to call me “sunshine” and had it engraved in my wedding ring, but I felt like “dark clouds”? Who was I? I used to be so happy, so full of energy, so upbeat…now I felt alone, lonely, uneasy and walking a thin line. I would do everything and anything to keep status quo. I had a pit in my stomach day in and day out. I remember when someone would ask me, “How is married life?” I would “happily” lie responding, “It is great!” Who would want to hear my story? It surely had to be all my fault.

I did the best I could for the next four years. He would go in and out of his “moods”. Some months were better than others. I guess I got used to the pattern and accepted this was the way my marriage was going to be…I had heard other peoples’ marriages had hard times. I remember going to speak to his parents and asking if they had seen this behavior. Without skipping a beat his mother said, “Oh yes, he is just like his father and his grandfather, just like my father as well. You will get used to it. It is just the way they are. Don’t worry about it.” However, I confided much more in my primary care physician as to how Conway’s behavior was taking a toll on me. I would have sought counsel from my sisters, however, each of them were going through their own transitions…i.e. separations or divorces and I did not want to be influenced or “sucked in”. Remember misery loves company? I did not need to be drinking the same water. My married life was feeling more empty than full. So what then? What was the tipping point? It was not until the end of 1980 that I woke up.

Describe the transformational moment or wake-up call when you realized that life change was necessary? For many, it’s a spiritual awakening, an emotional downfall, or a life-altering experience that shakes us awake.

It was not until the end of 1980 that I woke up. Our first son’s birth was on October 23, 1980. I had had a miscarriage the year before so needless to say we were over the top with elation. Corey’s birth brought such joy into our household. There were of course the transitions which go along with being a first time parent: the changing diapers 12 times a day, your days are never your own, you are the last on the totem pole to be fed and sleep was a word that just appears in the dictionary.
Although Conway did his fair share of parenting, I was still feeling “on alert” as I never knew what mood he would be in at any given time. His weekends were filled with playing tennis tournaments or in the summer, he and his brother would race the sailboat. We were seldom together or as a family. One thing people don’t realize is when a person is depressed they are surgeons in disguise. They have an innate ability to mask this disease from others outside his/her immediate family. Case in point, his sister and brother thought he was “just fine”; “Seems ok to me.” It made me think I was going crazy, was I imagining this? Why could I see it so clearly and no one else saw it? Their response was, “He is always quiet, and he’s just in one of those moods.” Ah, yes, “one of those moods”. You mean the moods which would go on for days, weeks, months and years? Those moods?!
There were days when he would barely play with Corey or talk to me when he came home from work. Our conversations would be at best five words, then the sports channel turned on or he was engrossed in a book. Intimacy went out the window and I felt neglected (of which I took on personally). I wanted to be with a man who wanted to be with me, to share all the ups and downs, to be there to support, nurture and comfort me and TO ALLOW me to do the same for him! How much more could I take of this? The tipping point for me was walking by the garage door and being grazed by a wooden tennis racket cover coming straight for my head. I ducked. I realize I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, he was not aiming for me, he was furious about something. But what if this was Corey walking by the garage? Something had to give. This was not ok, anymore.
I was scarred. I spoke to Conway and said I was going to make an appointment to see a therapist for myself. I needed to understand what I could do to “survive” this relationship or whether I wanted to stay in it. Notice the word, SURVIVE …that’s how I felt. Each day seemed like a fog, I just never knew when it would lift. One thing was for sure, I did not want to raise a child in this environment. I was scared, scared to think I would be on my own with a toddler and feeling guilty at not “making this work” with Conway. (30 plus years ago there was a stigma of people who were divorced (“something was wrong with them” and I certainly knew this was what my parents felt). Guilt if I left, guilt of not being myself if I stayed.

After experiencing your personal wake-up call what were the most powerful steps you took to change your life? 

I saw a female therapist once a week for months. She asked me point blank, “At what age did you lose your voice?” I was bewildered, what did she mean, I could speak clearly. What she meant was, at what age did you allow your power, the power of your voice to be taken away from you? I felt as if I was hit with a 2 by 4 piece of wood over the head. I remembered it well. I grew up with four other sisters, I was number 4 in the pecking order. All through my childhood I remember being characterized as the “emotional one, the drama queen, Sallie’s over reacting, she’ll settle down”. So what did I learn…to be silent because no one was listening anyway!! I could not get anyone’s attention. Therefore, I learned early on to devalue my thoughts, trust my inner negative critic that it was always right, never share my opinions (no one took me seriously) and never ever stand out. (It is no wonder I connect with animals and nature, they heard my every secret and knew my soul) My self-confidence was at an all time low, but on the flip side it was on a high when it came to my business, The Rocking Horse. Why…because I could take myself out of the home environment and be creative designing outerwear. I was away from the negativity. Sounds like an oxy moron does it?

On one occasion Conway was invited to join and the subject of being depressed, separation and or divorce was asked of him. We had talked at length about it and he was not opposed to seek help; he too was tired of feeling “off”. This made all the difference for me; if I knew he was willing to look at our relationship and make the effort to work on himself, I would support him and us. We learned of a wonderful psychiatrist who was still taking on new patients. Now let me say, this was 30 some years ago and much has changed. Back then Conway would try a med, wait 6weeks for it to show some signs of working and if not, he would have to endure weaning off of it for another 6 weeks. It was hit or miss. That was the tough part for all of us. By taking the time to work on myself and changing the dance of our relationship, Conway chose to follow in step.

How did I empower myself?
1. I learned to work on boosting my self-esteem…one word at a time.
2. I OWNed that part of me which loved to draw (took courses at the Community College),
3. I succeeded in becoming quite a competitive tennis player (obtaining a top ranking in New England: (#1) mixed, (#1) doubles and (#2) singles),
4. I expanded my business (did more Expos),
5. I set my boundaries. I learned to say “No” and said “Yes” to those things which I truly wanted to do and not what I should be doing. For the first time in my life I began to “push” back without the fear of being hurt, rejected or judged.
6. I spoke honestly with my husband as to what I needed out of our relationship: needed him to step up and be present with the children, support me and my efforts/projects; need more time with him (date nights) and spend quality time with the family on weekends.
7. I learned being perfect is only in the eyes of the beholder…good is good enough.

Please share a Positive Mental Shift tip that woman can implement today to support them on their journey of transformation and empowerment. 

If I were to relive my last 39 years of marriage (and yes, we are still very much married, J) I would impart these tips for any woman to implement today. First and foremost, never compromise your values or beliefs by giving away your voice. Being true to yourself is priceless! Here is an exercise you can do now:

1. Write down all your strengths which you believe you have: not “I am good at playing tennis, playing the piano (these are action items….” I mean, “I am a good listener, I am a compassionate person, I am a forgiving person”…etc…(we want to know WHO you are and what type of a person you are)

2. Here are some examples of character strengths/values: Appreciation of beauty , Citizenship, Curiosity, Fairness, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Hope, Humility, Humor/Playfulness, Ingenuity, Integrity, Judgment, Kindness and Generosity, Leadership, Love of Learning, Loving, Perseverance, Perspective, Prudence, Self-Control, Social Intelligence, Spirituality, Valor, Zest

3. Take the VIA (values in action) survey on the below link //www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx then click on the below: VIA Survey of Character Strengths Measures 24 Character Strengths.

4. This test is about all the strengths/values you use ON A DAILY BASIS. The top 5 are the ones you use the MOST each day.When I first took this test (and I dated it) I was amazed at what showed for my top three strengths/values: Kindness and Generosity, Honesty and Fairness, Humor/Playfulness. But when I looked at all the rest, it made sense…I don’t use others the same way as I do the top 10.

Here are my top three:
– Kindness and generosity. This is what I am made of…I go above and beyond for people. So sharing my knowledge is easy for me to do. But sometimes I have away the “cow”.
– Honesty/Fairness. I did not realize that honesty was an equally high strength/value of mine which I used daily. It made me realize that truth and being authentic, SPEAKING MY VOICE, is a must for my existence. It is in my soul, in my heart.
– Humor/Playfulness. All my life I have been a prankster, I guess I got this “gene” from my father…and one I foster in our own children. There are times when my humor/playfulness gets the best of me, but it’s part of me and I cherish it.
5. Write down what you learned about yourself! Now you have taken the first step, BRAVO!!

 HEAR her powerful story of transformation on the
Positive Mental Shift FREE teleseries and CLAIM HER FREE GIFT!