Blog – Page 8

Is beauty an illusion?

Is beauty an illusion? I love the description the IPhone dictionary has for illusion. It says it is an erroneous mental representation or the act of deluding.

Have you looked in any magazines lately of images of women appearing in ads or fashion layouts? Do they look authentic to you? And yet you are supposed to aspire to look like and use the products they promote. I don’t know about you but I just can’t buy into that crap.

There are a few brands that promote real women in their advertisements. The key word here is REAL.

Dove soap stood up and launched an amazing campaign about real beauty in real women. More magazine is one of the few publications that have real women in their editorials. Daily we are brainwashed by images that have been airbrushed and altered to sell things we really don’t need.

The skin care industry is a multi-billion dollar business. Why? They ignite our burning desire to want to look better (which is ok) by selling us products that re grossly overpriced and make miniscule improvements. I laugh when I think of my mother’s beauty regiment of Ivory soap and Pond cold cream. She never more face makeup, just some powder, rouge and lipstick. She had amazing skin all her life. Barely a wrinkle until she got into her eighties.

So how much is too much?

I know if I tried to purchase all the products recommended for a woman my age, I would need a second mortgage and an addition on my home. I take very good care of my skin, treating it from the inside out. I maintain a healthy diet, Good nutrients and vitamins B, C and D daily. I drink a ton of water, no carbonated beverages and no alcohol (in recovery). Of course I don’t smoke as well. I love Basis super-fatted soap, great for sensitive skin since I get broken capillaries very easily. I follow with Thayer’s Lemon Witch Hazel Astringent (it works as well as the very expensive toners). Then I apply Aveeno Daily moisturizer with SPF 30 and Bare Minerals makeup. At night I use a Vitamin C cream that I by on Vitacost.

So being completely transparent, I have tried some of those miracle creams with fancy French names. The experience was comparable to applying Crisco to my face but at 100 times the cost.

Bottom line, spending more doesn’t necessarily mean you are going to get better results. A lot of people tell me I have really healthy skin. So you be the judge.

Here I am bare faced…like it or not.

Would love to hear your comments below.

Faithfully,

Mal

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Mal Duane is a Best Selling Author and Personal Life and Recovery Coach who has overcome life challenges using the steps in the Alpha Chick Process. Her personal mission is to help women excel in all areas of their lives from business to personal relationships. Mal has been featured with Fox 25 Boston Morning Show, CBS Radio, Aspire Magazine, Healthy Living and Metrowest Daily News. She has also been a featured guest on over one hundred Blogtalk Radio shows discussing recovery and personal transformation.

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Has love failed you?

I don’t know how many times in my own life I went to such levels of despair thinking that I was unloved or being rejected by someone I thought I loved. It was the fuel for my alcoholism for many years. I would think I am not loved so I will beat the crap out of myself. Sound familiar?

Love Does Not Fail For You When You Are Rejected or Betrayed or Apparently Not Loved. Love Fails For You When You Reject, Betray, and Do Not Love. . . . Therefore, The Most Direct Way To Know Love In every moment Is To Be Love In every moment. By Adida Samraj

When I first read this, it knocked me on my ass. I had to go back and reread it a few times before I could fully understand the enormous lesson in this statement.

I have written many times before that everything starts with us. I am not trying to sound like a broken record but the truth is we are responsible, we have the power to choose. Everything comes from within and most importantly love starts with us first.

You can’t give away what you don’t have!

So in order to attract love you must BE love. When you become emotionally reactive to another person, you attack or you judge. When you do this, you are shutting down the flow of love within you. But what if you stay open, maybe even be vulnerable-you stay in the energy of love. You are elevating the vibration of the emotional disagreement. How can someone not love you for that?

When you are rejected in a relationship it hurts. Retaliation doesn’t make you feel and better and it only keeps you in a state of “lovelessness”. When you withhold love, who are you really keeping it from? Instead feel the pain or sorrow from the ending of a relationship. Be clear on what you feel, acknowledge your feelings and transcend them.

Let go of the wounded ego, the small voice from within so that you can connect to your radiant love consciousness.

Love is your birthright-no one can take it away from you accept your wounded self!

Faithfully,

Mal

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Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

What I learned from spraying toilet bowl cleaner on my head

I am going to share with you this week the craziest and almost dangerous thing I did to myself because I was so self-absorbed and not paying attention to what I was doing. I was lucky but I have since heard stories of some real disasters from people who did the same thing when they were not paying attention.

There is a very powerful lesson from this simple mistake.

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Self-Esteem – How to Improve Your Self-Image

“I have low self-esteem, but I express it the healthy way… by eating a box of Double-Stuff Oreos.”

Miranda – as played by Cynthia Nixon on Sex and the City

Ok, I admit it; I am definitely a self-love junkie! The definition of a self-love junkie is someone who has traded hating and abusing themselves for loving and caring for themselves. A woman who shows up looking good and has put effort into her appearance, not for others, but to honor herself. This isn’t someone who is constantly taking SELFIEs. It’s a woman who isn’t afraid to spend time on herself and her wellbeing, knowing she deserves to feel and look good and that this can truly impact others in a positive way.

There is no pill, drug, book, man or woman that will do more for you than your own self-love. You don’t have to buy it, eat it or sleep with it. How cool is that?

Once I was able to discard all the masks from false perceptions that I had been wearing and discovered my inner divine self, my life transformed dramatically. You see, I firmly believe that low self-esteem and lack of self-love is the root of all evil for women as well as men.

It is those ongoing thoughts of fear that you are not good enough that keep you chained to old behaviors, abusive relationships and jobs you freaking hate. Why live your life as a hostage?

What if you did an about face? You wouldn’t have to chase love, it would show up and you would recognize it. Where did we learn to stay out of the way, to not shine or be noticed? It is a painful awakening to realize our destructive patterns are desperate attempts to fill in what should have been given, what we needed to develop properly, as self-loving women.

I want you to think about this for a minute. Anything in your life that is not living up to your expectations or is painfully challenging is because you don’t feel in your heart that you are worthy of having it. If you don’t feel that you deserve happiness what you attract will fulfill those exact thoughts of unworthiness. Energy is a magnet for what you want in life. When you send out negative energy you create a negative experience. You can even impact your health.

That is the missing key to The Secret! The Law of Attraction is so powerful. You can go around all day thinking I want this or that but if you feel deep within you that you are not worthy, the game of manifestation is over.

The good news is that your self-love and self-worth are your responsibility. Things may happen in your life that can put a ding in your armor but only you have the ability to fix it. Many of us go through life lacking self-worth because of old experiences or as a result of broken relationships that we’ve had. But these things do not define our worth as human beings. We need to know our self-worth is not a reflection of other’s opinions. Understanding this is the crux of creating new beliefs.

I am not trying to oversimplify your current unhappiness, fear or lack of wellness but you have more control over this than you think. It takes work. It takes commitment and discipline. But to create the life you desire, why not?

Once you become perfectly honest and open to seeing yourself with a loving heart, the negative emotional framework of self-condemnation disappears.

There are three things you can focus on daily to increase your feelings of self-love and worth.

You are a divine being put on this earth with a purpose to fulfill (although maybe you haven’t discovered it yet).
You have a divine birthright to be happy, joyful and passionate, knowing you are worthy.
When you release the busyness of your mind and connect with the silence of your soul, you will discover your authentic self.

Remember that life’s challenges are stepping stones to your own success. By loving yourself and holding on to a belief of your self-worth you can dramatically change your life and the path you will travel.

*This article was previously published on MariaShriver.com.

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

The Happiness Secret

Probably more than anything else in life, we all strive to be happy. Sadly, for various reasons, happiness eludes many of us. Some reasons are self-imposed and others we attribute to other people. The trouble is, when we feel other people are responsible for our happiness we are giving away control over our own lives.

Wake up call: Your happiness is your responsibility

Until I learned this lesson personally, I never really experienced authentic happiness. I lived my life thinking that the right dress, man, car or job would bring me happiness.

Over the 4th of July holiday, I was watching my grandchildren playing when it really hit me:

We are the creators of our own happiness.

Their endless imagination, to my amazement, kept them engaged all weekend in blissful recreation. There wasn’t a moment of boredom or any sense of lacking something. Each one of them had significant roles in the games they created.

My two granddaughters went from being ballerinas to princesses and my grandson, Remy, was dancing with them and had a cardboard tube as a sword. Their shrieks of pure joy touched my heart.

The only time there were tears was if one of them fell down or took the others toy. Their happiness sparked something in me. I remembered how happy I was when I was five years old. I would sail in my boat with my dog all day, or go into the woods and collect things that I thought were treasures. What if we kept that sense of wonderment throughout our lives?

The truth is, it never really leaves us, it just gets clouded over with crap. What if we freed ourselves from the fear of what other people think and just lived with the intent of being happy!

Happiness is not about having more but is about being more. Being the real you, the one that felt she was a princess and could dance like a ballerina. The girl that didn’t see any limitations but only possibilities in the simplest of things. She is still there, hiding within, just waiting to break out and reclaim her royalty in her kingdom.

The lesson here is to reconnect with the mindset of full appreciation of what is. To experience a joyful heart that is not covered over with grievances. To play, and not care who is watching. And if they are, then give them one hell of a performance!

Here is a great playlist from Anna Luther that will absolutely increase your happiness.

Gotta go – Grandma is on her way out to play in her kingdom.

Live Faithfully, Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Are you willing to love unconditionally?

Have you ever said to someone, “I will love you if…” or better yet, “I will love myself if….”

Well that’s crap. That’s not love, it’s your burning desire to control.

Love does not entail setting conditions that must be met. It’s not predicated on a list of ‘ifs’. You either love fully or you don’t.

How many times have you done things because you wanted to be loved? I am going to be completely open with you; my list is so long, it makes me gaga. There were so many times I didn’t honor me, my feelings or my values in order to please someone else for the sole purpose of acquiring their love. What do you think happened? Did I get the love I was so desperately seeking? No! I was used for whatever purpose and then painfully discarded.

In full disclosure, when I loved others based on the conditions I placed on them, the outcome was also extremely disappointing.

So why do we do it?

We all have a great inner need to feel loved, to feel valued. It’s part of our DNA to want to be accepted and appreciated. Most of us are raised surrounded by conditional love. We take these conditions on as part of who we think we should be. Like “little girls are ladies and not noisy.” There goes your will to speak up. Or “big boys don’t cry.” Grown men feel they can’t show emotion.

If you sit for fifteen minutes, I bet you can come up with a list of conditional zingers you heard as a child. Our parents didn’t mean any harm by them; they were just trying to get us to behave the way they wanted.

We grow up believing that certain things, that have nothing to do who we really are, make us more lovable or appreciated. So many of us think that, once we are in a relationship with someone, we will get them to change and become what we want them to be. My mom always said you can’t change the spots on a leopard; I really understand what she was saying now.

Look around you today – who could you love fully if you let go of the expectations or conditions you have put on them? Let’s go deeper with this. How could you love and appreciate yourself more if you released the meaningless conditions you have put on yourself? Love is about being happy, content and real. Maybe it’s time to wipe that list of conditions clean and see how love shows up today, in a new authentic and embracing way.

I would love to hear from you how you take that list of ‘ifs’ and turn it into ‘wows!’

Live Faithfully, Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

What’s your security blanket? Letting go of outdated beliefs

When you were little did you walk around dragging a tattered, threadbare blankey with you everywhere you went? I know I did. My blankey was pink and white checks. It was lovingly worn – the satin trim was missing in places and there were patches where you could almost see through the blanket. If I could not wrap myself up in this shroud of moth holes and juice stains, I would slip into fits of complete hysteria. My blankey made me feel so secure.

We become so attached to what makes us feel secure, even if it’s old and worn. The labels we have inherited or give ourselves work much the same way. So think for a minute and identify some of the old beliefs you hold that are no longer absolutely true. Stop identifying with the names and labels you called yourself in the past; they may not be applicable any more. Yet, you hold on to them because you are familiar with them as part of your story. Who would you be without them? This is the million dollar question. I have the answer for you:

You would be the magnificent soul you were born to be.

When you arrived on this earth you didn’t have all the labels you do today. So why continue carrying around and living life defined by names (stupid, bitch, skinny, fat, selfish, dumb, ugly, obese) that do not reflect who you truly are? Better yet, why not adopt some positive names to identify with instead? Loving and appreciating yourself is your responsibility and as this love and appreciation grow within it touches others in your life. The excuse that your parents, your mother or your siblings didn’t love you doesn’t cut it anymore. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t, or maybe they did the best they could. You can’t pin the tail on that donkey any longer because you are responsible for how you feel about you today.

By taking the time to differentiate between the thoughts about yourself that were given to you by someone else and what is really the truth about you, you will begin to develop a sense of your worth. When you develop a sense of your own worth, you will begin to weed out people and situations that do not reflect your own sense of self back to you. You will reclaim the right to your sanctity and dignity. If someone insults you or makes a passive aggressive “dig”, you’ll be able to process it, not react in the moment, and most likely decide that this person isn’t safe to open up to. You’ll be able to detach and move on, knowing that you deserve people that make you feel talented, supported and nurtured. In order to get to this place, you have to do the work. I promise, the results will bring you closer to peace and serenity.

Here are some action steps that you can take:

Go to a quiet sacred space and write down ten sentences that best describe how you feel about yourself today.
Reread the paragraph and underline any words that have a negative connotation.
Replace each underlined word with the exact opposite in meaning. For example, if you write “I’m dumb,” change it to “I am a smart and capable woman.”
Take your corrected sentences and make them your new personal affirmations. Read them daily so your subconscious starts to believe them.

This simple practice will help you create a new image and identity, replacing negative labels with loving and inspiring ones.

Please let me know how you do in the comments below ….I love hearing from you.

Live Faithfully, Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Graduating From a Life of Resistance to a Life of Acceptance

I realized yesterday that my life is really a series of graduations from different phases of self-expression. Simply put, the first half of my life was all about resistance to “what is” and living my life blinded by my own beliefs. Then I graduated to a life of acceptance: living with “what is” and understanding that my beliefs might not reflect the truth.

When we accept something, we are not saying that we approve of it, we are simply no longer resisting it. When we resist, we put valuable energy into a situation that cannot be changed. We are unable to rewrite the script. So why invest valuable energy in something you cannot change? Why hold on so dearly to a situation that has no bearing on where you are today? What if, instead, you accept the situation as it is? Through acceptance we are able to release the hold we have put on ourselves. Once we accept, we can then reclaim our power and our right to choose.

Many unbearable things may happen to us in life. The longer we resist, the harder we try to change the situation and this results in more suffering. By accepting these unbearable situations, we can free our hearts and minds from endless days of anguish.

I personally carried disappointments and failed relationships around for years. They were the root of my self-imposed suffering. The pain I felt created an image of worthlessness and doom. All I knew was what I believed. I embraced alcohol to make myself feel better. At first that worked, but then the pain reoccurred. Before long I was consumed again and feeling there was no way to survive the pain. At a very low moment, I realized I could accept all the heartache I felt, as it no longer had any bearing on my current reality. The veil of illusion was lifted and an awakened woman emerged.

So much personal suffering is tied to resistance. Open your minds and your hearts. Welcome in acceptance and feel the shift of your personal power rush though you. Step 2 of the Five Steps of Faith from my book, Alpha Chick is to say “I accept disappointments, fears and sorrows so I may free myself from a past that no longer serves me, and I consciously change my attitude so that I may live the joyous life that is always available to me”.

How can you apply this to your own life? Please share some of your action steps.

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Falling Into Grace: get out of your head and into your heart

The last few weeks I have been caught up in significant decisions. I kept finding myself thinking and rethinking what I should do. The more I thought, the further away I was from a conclusion. Does this sound familiar?

My first big lesson came on Easter Sunday while I was listening to Adyashanti with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.

As I listened to him speak it became so apparent to me that I was buried in my thoughts – and furthermore that my thoughts may not be the truth. Yikes!

Instead, I realized that my thoughts are my perceptions, my interpretations of reality but not necessarily the complete truth. I wondered what would happen if I listened to my heart instead.

Immediately, I was resurrected from my mind and felt a calming sensation come over me that brought tears to my eyes. In that instant I knew I was connected to my heart. I had the answer. My path towards finding a conclusion was clear.

My second big lesson happened in Santa Fe just a few days ago. What a beautiful place for self-reflection and learning. Having tried many times to get into this very popular class I was finally participating in a Transformational Speaking program with the amazing Gail Larsen.

Gail is famous for helping people discover their voice, not the one in their head but the one they carry in their heart. When I showed up, I honestly felt that I was proficient at speaking from the heart. Well, that theory got thrown out the window in about the first hour of our work together!

Gail’s program is about speaking as if you are having a heartfelt conversation with an intimate friend.

Sounds easy. Right! Over the next four days I had to dig deeper and deeper to bring that voice forward. I was prepared to do the work and it took a tremendous amount of introspection, adaptation and integration to birth what I came for.

On Sunday we had to give another presentation to the group, putting into practice what we had learned, and my intention was to talk from the soul. I mapped it out on my board the night before but didn’t rehearse too much. I didn’t want to sound like I was giving a canned presentation.

I took my place in front of the class. My voice was significantly lower than before, my body movement much more calm. I spoke about the importance of healing a broken heart so that we may reclaim our lives. My fellow classmates listened intently. Gail was making her insightful critique as I proceeded. Was it perfect? Absolutely not but it was significantly more from the heart than my previous attempt.

We don’t realize how difficult it can be to access that voice. It takes practice and courage. Yes courage! It is so much easier to express what is in our heads rather than what is in our hearts. Until you connect with the silence within you, you can’t fully appreciate the power of it.

The program is about so much more than just public speaking, it is really about discovering what is buried within that needs to come up and be revealed. It was an amazing experience to speak so fully from the heart and it was so exciting to watch my classmates transform in front of my eyes. The pretenses we all came in with were stripped away.

As I leave Santa Fe today, I have so much gratitude for the opportunity to be part of this program. It was another giant step in my personal journey.

Thank you Gail Larsen for creating such a safe and comforting environment for all of us. A place where we fell into grace with ease. Thank you to my beautiful transformational sisters for being willing to share so much of yourselves.

As much as we think we know, there is always more to learn. Life will continue to present us with ongoing lessons from the places we expect least. I know I wasn’t expecting to have a massive revelation on Easter Sunday listening to Adyashanti or when I was participating in a transformational speaking class. However, my heart had a different idea than my head and I now realize that the lessons I learn become shining stars in the sky so I can see my path better in the dark.

I would love to hear about a surprising revelation you have had when you least expect it. Please share it here, on Facebook or tweet it.

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Freedom From Telling Your Story

How to set yourself free from the past: Tell Your Story!

When you are able to tell your story, you free yourself from the bondage of the past. Revealing is healing. It is a process of cleansing the soul of any old and unnecessary debris from the past. Sadly, most of you do just the opposite. You spend precious time supposedly living in secret, burning a hole in your heart as well as your stomach.

This season on Reclaim Your Life Event, you have the opportunity to listen to 18 women, including myself share our stories. We talked openly and honestly about intimate and very painful experiences. Some of my guests revealed details about rape, parental murder-suicide, death of a loved one and various addictions and illnesses. There was a common thread in each one of these amazing stories. Each women was empowered and inspired the by the pain she had experienced. Today they are serving humanity in a way to help eliminate pain and suffering.

I hope that you as the listener learned something from the raw honesty of each guest. I know I did. When you live by the truth, you can outshine any experience from the past.

Another beautiful example of pure honesty is the amazing movie the Anonymous People which shares the stories of real people (some of them are famous) and their struggle with addiction. This movie can now be purchased on DVD or downloaded from Vimeo. To be in recovery is no longer a demeaning association. I am personally so grateful for my 25 years of recovery. This is what inspires me to do the work I love with women.

April is National Alcohol Awareness month. Who do you know today that maybe over indulging on a regular basis? Becoming aware of alcohol abuse can dramatically prevent the tragedies which occur as a direct result of it. Who can you lend a supporting hand to? Encourage them to be honest with you so they can begin to recover and heal. The first conversation is always the toughest.

There is nothing more powerful than good old fashioned honesty to overcome the hurdles in your journey.

I would love to hear from you how telling the truth has helped

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

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