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Are you willing to love unconditionally?

Have you ever said to someone, “I will love you if…” or better yet, “I will love myself if….”

Well that’s crap. That’s not love, it’s your burning desire to control.

Love does not entail setting conditions that must be met. It’s not predicated on a list of ‘ifs’. You either love fully or you don’t.

How many times have you done things because you wanted to be loved? I am going to be completely open with you; my list is so long, it makes me gaga. There were so many times I didn’t honor me, my feelings or my values in order to please someone else for the sole purpose of acquiring their love. What do you think happened? Did I get the love I was so desperately seeking? No! I was used for whatever purpose and then painfully discarded.

In full disclosure, when I loved others based on the conditions I placed on them, the outcome was also extremely disappointing.

So why do we do it?

We all have a great inner need to feel loved, to feel valued. It’s part of our DNA to want to be accepted and appreciated. Most of us are raised surrounded by conditional love. We take these conditions on as part of who we think we should be. Like “little girls are ladies and not noisy.” There goes your will to speak up. Or “big boys don’t cry.” Grown men feel they can’t show emotion.

If you sit for fifteen minutes, I bet you can come up with a list of conditional zingers you heard as a child. Our parents didn’t mean any harm by them; they were just trying to get us to behave the way they wanted.

We grow up believing that certain things, that have nothing to do who we really are, make us more lovable or appreciated. So many of us think that, once we are in a relationship with someone, we will get them to change and become what we want them to be. My mom always said you can’t change the spots on a leopard; I really understand what she was saying now.

Look around you today – who could you love fully if you let go of the expectations or conditions you have put on them? Let’s go deeper with this. How could you love and appreciate yourself more if you released the meaningless conditions you have put on yourself? Love is about being happy, content and real. Maybe it’s time to wipe that list of conditions clean and see how love shows up today, in a new authentic and embracing way.

I would love to hear from you how you take that list of ‘ifs’ and turn it into ‘wows!’

Live Faithfully, Mal

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Mal Duane is a Best Selling Author and Personal Life and Recovery Coach who has overcome life challenges using the steps in the Alpha Chick Process. Her personal mission is to help women excel in all areas of their lives from business to personal relationships. Mal has been featured with Fox 25 Boston Morning Show, CBS Radio, Aspire Magazine, Healthy Living and Metrowest Daily News. She has also been a featured guest on over one hundred Blogtalk Radio shows discussing recovery and personal transformation.

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

What’s your security blanket? Letting go of outdated beliefs

When you were little did you walk around dragging a tattered, threadbare blankey with you everywhere you went? I know I did. My blankey was pink and white checks. It was lovingly worn – the satin trim was missing in places and there were patches where you could almost see through the blanket. If I could not wrap myself up in this shroud of moth holes and juice stains, I would slip into fits of complete hysteria. My blankey made me feel so secure.

We become so attached to what makes us feel secure, even if it’s old and worn. The labels we have inherited or give ourselves work much the same way. So think for a minute and identify some of the old beliefs you hold that are no longer absolutely true. Stop identifying with the names and labels you called yourself in the past; they may not be applicable any more. Yet, you hold on to them because you are familiar with them as part of your story. Who would you be without them? This is the million dollar question. I have the answer for you:

You would be the magnificent soul you were born to be.

When you arrived on this earth you didn’t have all the labels you do today. So why continue carrying around and living life defined by names (stupid, bitch, skinny, fat, selfish, dumb, ugly, obese) that do not reflect who you truly are? Better yet, why not adopt some positive names to identify with instead? Loving and appreciating yourself is your responsibility and as this love and appreciation grow within it touches others in your life. The excuse that your parents, your mother or your siblings didn’t love you doesn’t cut it anymore. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t, or maybe they did the best they could. You can’t pin the tail on that donkey any longer because you are responsible for how you feel about you today.

By taking the time to differentiate between the thoughts about yourself that were given to you by someone else and what is really the truth about you, you will begin to develop a sense of your worth. When you develop a sense of your own worth, you will begin to weed out people and situations that do not reflect your own sense of self back to you. You will reclaim the right to your sanctity and dignity. If someone insults you or makes a passive aggressive “dig”, you’ll be able to process it, not react in the moment, and most likely decide that this person isn’t safe to open up to. You’ll be able to detach and move on, knowing that you deserve people that make you feel talented, supported and nurtured. In order to get to this place, you have to do the work. I promise, the results will bring you closer to peace and serenity.

Here are some action steps that you can take:

Go to a quiet sacred space and write down ten sentences that best describe how you feel about yourself today.
Reread the paragraph and underline any words that have a negative connotation.
Replace each underlined word with the exact opposite in meaning. For example, if you write “I’m dumb,” change it to “I am a smart and capable woman.”
Take your corrected sentences and make them your new personal affirmations. Read them daily so your subconscious starts to believe them.

This simple practice will help you create a new image and identity, replacing negative labels with loving and inspiring ones.

Please let me know how you do in the comments below ….I love hearing from you.

Live Faithfully, Mal

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Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Graduating From a Life of Resistance to a Life of Acceptance

I realized yesterday that my life is really a series of graduations from different phases of self-expression. Simply put, the first half of my life was all about resistance to “what is” and living my life blinded by my own beliefs. Then I graduated to a life of acceptance: living with “what is” and understanding that my beliefs might not reflect the truth.

When we accept something, we are not saying that we approve of it, we are simply no longer resisting it. When we resist, we put valuable energy into a situation that cannot be changed. We are unable to rewrite the script. So why invest valuable energy in something you cannot change? Why hold on so dearly to a situation that has no bearing on where you are today? What if, instead, you accept the situation as it is? Through acceptance we are able to release the hold we have put on ourselves. Once we accept, we can then reclaim our power and our right to choose.

Many unbearable things may happen to us in life. The longer we resist, the harder we try to change the situation and this results in more suffering. By accepting these unbearable situations, we can free our hearts and minds from endless days of anguish.

I personally carried disappointments and failed relationships around for years. They were the root of my self-imposed suffering. The pain I felt created an image of worthlessness and doom. All I knew was what I believed. I embraced alcohol to make myself feel better. At first that worked, but then the pain reoccurred. Before long I was consumed again and feeling there was no way to survive the pain. At a very low moment, I realized I could accept all the heartache I felt, as it no longer had any bearing on my current reality. The veil of illusion was lifted and an awakened woman emerged.

So much personal suffering is tied to resistance. Open your minds and your hearts. Welcome in acceptance and feel the shift of your personal power rush though you. Step 2 of the Five Steps of Faith from my book, Alpha Chick is to say “I accept disappointments, fears and sorrows so I may free myself from a past that no longer serves me, and I consciously change my attitude so that I may live the joyous life that is always available to me”.

How can you apply this to your own life? Please share some of your action steps.

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Falling Into Grace: get out of your head and into your heart

The last few weeks I have been caught up in significant decisions. I kept finding myself thinking and rethinking what I should do. The more I thought, the further away I was from a conclusion. Does this sound familiar?

My first big lesson came on Easter Sunday while I was listening to Adyashanti with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.

As I listened to him speak it became so apparent to me that I was buried in my thoughts – and furthermore that my thoughts may not be the truth. Yikes!

Instead, I realized that my thoughts are my perceptions, my interpretations of reality but not necessarily the complete truth. I wondered what would happen if I listened to my heart instead.

Immediately, I was resurrected from my mind and felt a calming sensation come over me that brought tears to my eyes. In that instant I knew I was connected to my heart. I had the answer. My path towards finding a conclusion was clear.

My second big lesson happened in Santa Fe just a few days ago. What a beautiful place for self-reflection and learning. Having tried many times to get into this very popular class I was finally participating in a Transformational Speaking program with the amazing Gail Larsen.

Gail is famous for helping people discover their voice, not the one in their head but the one they carry in their heart. When I showed up, I honestly felt that I was proficient at speaking from the heart. Well, that theory got thrown out the window in about the first hour of our work together!

Gail’s program is about speaking as if you are having a heartfelt conversation with an intimate friend.

Sounds easy. Right! Over the next four days I had to dig deeper and deeper to bring that voice forward. I was prepared to do the work and it took a tremendous amount of introspection, adaptation and integration to birth what I came for.

On Sunday we had to give another presentation to the group, putting into practice what we had learned, and my intention was to talk from the soul. I mapped it out on my board the night before but didn’t rehearse too much. I didn’t want to sound like I was giving a canned presentation.

I took my place in front of the class. My voice was significantly lower than before, my body movement much more calm. I spoke about the importance of healing a broken heart so that we may reclaim our lives. My fellow classmates listened intently. Gail was making her insightful critique as I proceeded. Was it perfect? Absolutely not but it was significantly more from the heart than my previous attempt.

We don’t realize how difficult it can be to access that voice. It takes practice and courage. Yes courage! It is so much easier to express what is in our heads rather than what is in our hearts. Until you connect with the silence within you, you can’t fully appreciate the power of it.

The program is about so much more than just public speaking, it is really about discovering what is buried within that needs to come up and be revealed. It was an amazing experience to speak so fully from the heart and it was so exciting to watch my classmates transform in front of my eyes. The pretenses we all came in with were stripped away.

As I leave Santa Fe today, I have so much gratitude for the opportunity to be part of this program. It was another giant step in my personal journey.

Thank you Gail Larsen for creating such a safe and comforting environment for all of us. A place where we fell into grace with ease. Thank you to my beautiful transformational sisters for being willing to share so much of yourselves.

As much as we think we know, there is always more to learn. Life will continue to present us with ongoing lessons from the places we expect least. I know I wasn’t expecting to have a massive revelation on Easter Sunday listening to Adyashanti or when I was participating in a transformational speaking class. However, my heart had a different idea than my head and I now realize that the lessons I learn become shining stars in the sky so I can see my path better in the dark.

I would love to hear about a surprising revelation you have had when you least expect it. Please share it here, on Facebook or tweet it.

Live Faithfully,

Mal

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Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.

Freedom From Telling Your Story

How to set yourself free from the past: Tell Your Story!

When you are able to tell your story, you free yourself from the bondage of the past. Revealing is healing. It is a process of cleansing the soul of any old and unnecessary debris from the past. Sadly, most of you do just the opposite. You spend precious time supposedly living in secret, burning a hole in your heart as well as your stomach.

This season on Reclaim Your Life Event, you have the opportunity to listen to 18 women, including myself share our stories. We talked openly and honestly about intimate and very painful experiences. Some of my guests revealed details about rape, parental murder-suicide, death of a loved one and various addictions and illnesses. There was a common thread in each one of these amazing stories. Each women was empowered and inspired the by the pain she had experienced. Today they are serving humanity in a way to help eliminate pain and suffering.

I hope that you as the listener learned something from the raw honesty of each guest. I know I did. When you live by the truth, you can outshine any experience from the past.

Another beautiful example of pure honesty is the amazing movie the Anonymous People which shares the stories of real people (some of them are famous) and their struggle with addiction. This movie can now be purchased on DVD or downloaded from Vimeo. To be in recovery is no longer a demeaning association. I am personally so grateful for my 25 years of recovery. This is what inspires me to do the work I love with women.

April is National Alcohol Awareness month. Who do you know today that maybe over indulging on a regular basis? Becoming aware of alcohol abuse can dramatically prevent the tragedies which occur as a direct result of it. Who can you lend a supporting hand to? Encourage them to be honest with you so they can begin to recover and heal. The first conversation is always the toughest.

There is nothing more powerful than good old fashioned honesty to overcome the hurdles in your journey.

I would love to hear from you how telling the truth has helped

Live Faithfully,

Mal

If you like our content sign up here for updates and a free gift!

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on Amazon.com.