Mal Duane Coach

3 Ways to Stop People Pleasing in Relationships

Are you guilty of being a people pleaser, stepping over your own values and accepting inappropriate behavior just to keep peace?

I know I have in the past. I was thinking this morning how women have been conditioned to put their needs aside and make other people’s desires more important than their own. I know it’s easy to think you’re being generous but it’s really about being a “GIVER”, one of the personalities I write about in Broken Open: Embracing heartache and Betrayal as Gateways to Unconditional Love. 

Givers are one of four different personalities with Love Stories that I discuss and one that I am personally familiar with. 

 Givers develop an understanding of how to get and give love when they’re small children learning from their parents and other adults around them. Very quickly they learn that love is conditional. If I do that, you will love me.

If I don’t do that, you will tell me I’m wrong, and you’ll withhold love.

So of course, you formulate early on it’s better to give, and give and give in order to get. Love is conditional. This become your love story and the lenses with which you see love.

You grow up and continue to use the same old lenses in your current relationships. It’s like using old data to evaluate a current situation. It’s not effective. 

I’ll cover the other personalities in another blog.

The Giver is the one that is most prevalent.

You always feel like you have to “earn” love and overcompensate to keep it.

Here are 3 ways to break this destructive pattern:

  1. Look at your relationships and see where you have sacrificed your own needs on the altar of love.
  2. Start to put attention on your needs and how you are able to fulfill them.
  3. Recognize when you are making a choice that goes against your values and stop and reassess.

Any old negative pattern can be changed once you aware that you are doing it. It’s like cleaning your house once you know where the dirt is. ?

You came to this planet, a clean slate untouched by human opinions and then you meet your parents!

I’m not saying they’re not good people, but they have their own opinions and perceptions on how things should be done that they got from their parents.

It’s time for you to create your story the way it feels right for you.

Do you identify as a GIVER?  Comment below and share your thoughts!

3 Tips for Healing After Emotional Turmoil

I am feeling so much love for all the women who have trusted me and purchased Broken Open. 

Every word, every lesson in the book is intended to lift you up from feelings of unworthiness and heartache.

Emotional pain is a very strong energy that can consume you without you really being aware.

It slowly sucks the life out of you and then ultimately,  your ability to make rational decisions.

You end up being triggered, highly reactive and making poor choices.

Decisions driven by anger and resentment get you more of the same. It’s a vicious cycle. In the book I offer many practices to help you recognize when you are stuck in that dark place and things to do to get out of it. 

You never want to make big decisions while under the throes of emotional craziness.

Step back, breath and take some time to reconnect with your body and get out of your screaming head. 

Put your hands over your heart and tell the wounded little girl inside you that you have got this. 

Let her know there is nothing to fear.

Sadly, you can’t change a situation after you have blurted out in anger your irrational demands.

After the book launch, I went straight to Kripalu to decompress from all the magnificent energy of birthing Broken Open,  I spent the weekend in a class with one of my favorites, Matt Kahn who teaches love heals everything. 

Here are  few of his key takeaways:  

3 Tips for Healing After Emotional Turmoil

  1. You can’t create healing for yourself when you're stuck in judgment
  2. If you don’t have what you want, it must not be what you need.
  3. When you take time to love yourself, you have that much more to give to the world.

What do you think of his tips? Comment below and share! 

 

5 Ways to Heal Stronger After Heartbreak

In my darkest moments, I never envisioned that I would write a book.

When I was in the midst of the massive shit storm I experienced, I never imagined what the future could bring, least of all a new book.

Some days it was hard to just get out of bed.

Early on I was in my “why me”, victim mentality mindset.

I had covered over my feelings for so long that it was now time to be honest about what I was feeling.

However, I didn’t stay there too long because it didn’t seem to help.

I knew my heart was broken. What was I going to do? 

That question seemed so overwhelming at first but as the days went by and I kept asking myself, what can I do…an awful lot of answers started showing up. 

That was the beginning of the arduous journey of moving from the darkest day in my life to healing my shattered heart.

The more I questioned myself, the more truth I uncovered about me.

 I realized I had buried so many things in my life that potentially impacted how I looked at my marital situation now. I had old beliefs, old love stories that were judging my current experience.

Looking to myself for attainable solutions was the wisest thing I did.

Expecting someone else to do something, to make me feel better, to make things right - was a losing proposition.

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Broken Open: Embracing Heartache and Betrayal as Gateways to Unconditional Love is a powerful guide showing you how to heal your heart. Through the process of self-inquiry, I discovered a pathway to healing my heart and so you can you...

5 Ways to Heal Stronger After Heartbreak 

  1. Ask yourself the tough questions to get to and uncover your truth.
  2. Take small actionable steps to strengthen yourself.
  3. Remember, you are not the experience-it has no bearing on your value as a woman
  4. Someone else’s actions are about the void in them
  5. Forgiveness is the only path to freedom

Meeting so many women who were suffering from betrayal and heartache inspired me to do the deep work so that I could find a way to heal ourselves.

My greatest wish is that you find wholeness and happiness again or share it with a friend in need.  It is possible…I am living proof.

How has heartbreak made YOU stronger?  Comment below and share your story!

 

3 Tips for Healing Betrayal

Honoring loved ones that have passed at the Western Wall in Israel. 

On a recent trip to Israel, I had the amazing opportunity to to help a young woman who was lost in her pain from her recent divorce.

The first day I met her I felt her pain, I saw it in her eyes and the way she held herself. We started talking and eventually had dinner together. That’s when I spilled the beans about my new book Broken Open  and my own experience with divorce. 

 Her mouth was hanging open when I told her “my story”.  She had been lied to and betrayed as well. 

I gave her three important lessons from the book and asked her to take time to journal about them at night and see if she got any revelations in her writing.   If you're currently going through a divorce or have experienced betrayal consider the following tips.   Bonus:  try these as journaling prompts to reveal deeper answers and layers of healing.

3 Tips for Healing Betrayal 

1.  Someone else’s unconscious behavior has nothing to do with you but is because of an existing void in them.


2.  Own your half of the relationship. Where did you overlook or even deny to yourself things that happened?


3.  Healing your heart is an inside job that only you can do it for yourself. Don’t expect someone else’s actions to do it.

The last night of the trip we were all together for dinner and she came over and hugged me. I knew what she was going to say. I had seen a dramatic change in her during the trip. I observed firsthand how she became lighter every day and eventually started smiling. My words had inspired her to look within her. She wanted to thank me for changing how she felt about and perceived what happened in her marriage. 

Seeing this young woman come back to life made my trip even better than I could have imagined. I never expected to be coaching someone while in Israel. Better yet, the opportunity to help them feel so much better about themselves. God works in strange ways.

What did you discover when you asked yourself these questions?  Comment below! I'd love to hear your answers!

5 Steps to Turn Your Dreams to Reality

Do you have a big, juicy, audacious dream?

Something that makes you tingle from your head to the tips of your toes? 

Something so fabulous that your inner mean girl says, “no freaking way!" ?

Well ladybug, no dream is too big! 

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If it couldn’t happen, you wouldn’t be able to think about it. It means that if you can see it, it already exists somewhere in the cosmos. Shit, nobody ever told me that when I was growing up!

Let me give you some examples. When I was kid, I had a problem reading. I had to take special remedial reading classes. When I decided to write a book in 2009, I could see it, I could feel it.

However, based on my previous challenges, I was probably a long shot. I held the vision and in 2012, Alpha Chick  was released and became an Amazon Best Seller with six literary awards.

Since my first book, I have connected with women from all over the globe who've shared my passion to serve women in a meaningful and empowering way. I have to be honest, I never thought I would be emailing and personally interviewing them for my podcast! This is just another example of holding a powerful vision.

In my last email, I suggested taking pictures of your dreams and putting them in a folder.

Now I am challenging you to take action on those dreams.

Here are 5 Steps to Turn Your Dreams to Reality

  1. Who do you need to help you with your dream/vision? Think big again, don’t be shy! 
  2. What do you need to do to start the process? Creating a mind map or good outline are excellent places to start. 
  3. What are the first three steps you can take to start creating it?
  4. How long do you need to make this happen? Create a time table for yourself. Put dates in your calendar for accountability. 
  5. What resources or research do you need?

My own bursts of inspiration have come from going through incredible challenges and difficult things that have knocked me to my knees. I’m suggesting you start manifesting before life throws you an unexpected curveball.

What's a dream you've been dreaming but haven't yet taken action?
Comment below and tell me 3 steps you'll take to make it a reality!